CLOSE UP
It’s Time
By Karen Wesley Weaver
M
y heart has been heavy lately with a lot of tough decisions
regarding my son. He is a 19-year-old young autistic man
with a side order of depression and mood disorder. He is
transitioning into adulthood, which I’m sure is a scary thing
for him. However, he is driving me completely bonkers in the
process.
I’m hearing this whisper lately, telling me, “It’s time, time for
him to go.” The whisper has been screaming at me, or is that him
screaming? No, it’s the whisper, and it has been saying, “Release
him to the world so that he can grow into the man that he needs
to be. He will not do that as long as he is with you.” He shows the
promise of being a wonderful citizen of the world. He will be a
man with challenges, and he will conquer them. He will need support to make this happen, but he doesn’t need to be coddled and
protected by his mother. I just don’t think he will grow into a man
until he takes some steps away from me.
The whispers have also been saying, “You can’t keep living this
way, Karen. You are giving away too much of yourself.” And I
have, too, as I can hardly make myself out in a mirror. My inner
light is fading. The walls are closing in on me. This world that I
have created is now suffocating me. I have spoiled them all. I too
have been spoiled. I have been given the gift of being a mother
full-time for my boys. However, in giving everyone so much of my
focus, I have almost been erased. I think of them before I feed myself. I think of them before I pee! Slowly, I am giving away a small
piece of my soul.
The whispers are saying, “You have given to them out of love and
protection, but it’s time to let them fly. It’s time for you to start
flapping your own wings and start living instead of just existing.”
I flipped on the TV the other day to find one of my favorite authors
being interviewed. There sat two of my girlfriends: Liz (as in Elizabeth Gilbert of Eat Pray Love) and Oprah (as in Oprah). It felt like
they both were speaking directly to me.
“If you stay on this path, you may literally die or die in pieces,”
Liz Gilbert told Oprah. I’ve been feeling like I am dying a slow
death. This life that I’m living is a part of my path, but it is NOT
my path in total. I am called to do more.
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