THIS opens with a digital
lion chasing a digital antelope
through a digital field, the worst
CGI attempted. The class laughs
at a television buckled to a
wheeled cart, and the idea that
CGI could happen on a public
television budget in the late ‘80’s.
But it’s okay. It’s okay to enjoy
bad things—even when they’re
uncontroversially bad. It’s okay
to not pay attention or to think
about having the world’s strongest hands or a bald guy nicknamed “Ponytail”.
Anyway, the show starts. Alan
Alda narrates while macaques
display their teeth and fight for
king of the cage. Their chest
walls pump, and their furry little
hearts hum like an engine. These
here are some Old World Monkeys with their adrenaline, and
furry little, cute little arms. Alan
Alda is being serious about things
and has taken a new interest in
the science of stress, but you can
tell he’s still funny. Alan Alda is
just too funny.
6
“Macaque” is a hard word
to spell. The ones in this video
are fed an American diet, many
times their normal amount of salt
and fat. They are kept in smaller
than normal space, to amplify the
competition for alpha monkey.
Is this humane? I don’t know.
It doesn’t matter. This is about
stress and domination, and Alan
Alda narrates.
There are two types of people—antelopes and lions; you’re
fa miliar with how this works. The antelope avoids any dude humming the Macarena. In our present era, you’re only allowed to write
songs about dancing are hip hop in genre (e.g. “Teach Me How to
Dougie”). The lion punches the throat of any dude who would hum
the Macarena in our present era, addi ng a forced emphasis to the
final note. But this antelope/lion distinction is not about violence. It
is about a relationship between an individual and their Macarenafilled environment—Macarena and every song. It’s about forming
the world to you, or forming yourself to the world. Come on everyone, it’s about alphas and betas.
But it’s about more than that. It’s about using dominance as
a blanket, and how to be a happy beta. It’s about being assertively
passive: about being an alpha beta. Sure it is because I don’t want to
decide anything, and I have the discipline and acuity to trick other
people into dominating me.
Here’s how: when I take a hot bikini babe out on a date, we
have to choose between dining at the Subway built into the gas station or the Dunkin’ Donuts built into the gas station. I don’t want to
decide anything. She asks “which?” So I respond “which is the best?”
As if that isn’t exactly what she just asked me. It works. “Which?”
says the hot bikini babe behind the counter at Starbucks, “we have
light roast, medium roast, and recycled oil.” “Which is the best?” and
this babe looks at me, looks at the line, and pours me a cup of oil.
That’s how it’s done.
This trick, as with all things outside of God, has its weaknesses. Some questions are too difficult. Take, for example, when a bikini
babe asks “Do you love me?” You can’t respond with “Which is the
best?” It simply doesn’t accommodate the complexity of this question. One has to improvise. Yell “what is the ontologica ?7FGW2?bF?P?6??6WB??dR?( ?F?&?r6?B???W"W?W2???6??W"??F?w&?6W'?6'@?F?N( ?2&????rF?v&BG&ff?2?'V?????v???( ???&?f??W2&?WB?fR?'WBfFR?????F ( ?2f??6P??Bf?FV??b?6VR67&F6???r??F?W"?6VR??F?Rf6R??7&?VB6vR?fGG?F?WB?66?V?F?7G2G&?V???RF?R???6VP??BWB?B???VF?6?&VB?F?W?F?R&???B6??W2?B6?V6???G2?V'B&FR?F?W?F?F??2?fW"?B?fW"??BF?W?f??B6???V7F???&WGvVV?&V??r????6VR?B?V'BF?6V6R?6??WF???p?&?WB7G&W72??N( ?2??gV?&V??r??F??b??R?fRF?6??7F?F?FVfV?@??B??6?7F?F?R&?GF???p??