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Vanessa Van Edwards is lead investigator at the Science of People—a human behavior research lab.
She is the national bestselling author of Captivate: The Science of Succeeding With People, which
was chosen as one of Apple’s Most Anticipated Books of 2017. She writes a monthly column on the
science of success for Entrepreneur Magazine and the Huffington Post. Her original research has been
featured in Fast Company, Cosmopolitan, TIME, Forbes, INC and USA Today. Scienceofpeople.com
You should use this if:
• You worry that they will not accept a break
• They will not be honest if you have The Talk
• They are bad with boundaries
• You hate confrontation
This method is less direct — so it’s not my favorite, BUT it can help gently end a
relationship or avoid hurting someone’s feelings. The slow back away is usually done by just
being ‘too busy’ and ‘too hard to reach.’
I hate writing this, but the goal here is to have a gentle easing in the relationship. You
want them to slowly get the message that you want a different kind of relationship. You
don’t want to hurt their feelings. You want them to save face.
RECOMMENDATIONS:
• Text instead of call
• Engage less on social media
• Take longer to respond to texts
• Respond with shorter texts
• Get together in less intimate settings
• Get together for shorter, more casual occasions
• Be too busy to get together
**Again, this is my least favorite because it feels the least honest. But sometimes
it is the nicest way to break-up with someone.
OPTION #4: THE BURST
There comes a point in some unhealthy, unfulfilling relationships where the
friendship bubble needs bursting. The lies. The faking it. The pretending
everything is fine. It needs to stop. I believe friendship breakups should be
treated EXACTLY like a romantic break-up. Something like:
Hey, I know we have had trouble getting together over the last few months. I
think that is mostly my fault. I have been pulling away. I think last year when X
happened, it really hurt my feelings. I have not been able to get over it. I know you
are a great person and have been a wonderful friend, but I think our relationship
has changed. I do not think we can salvage it with so much that has gone on. I
am sorry.
RECOMMENDATIONS:
• State needs that are not being met
• Be gentle and kind
• Talk about how you feel
• Don’t assign blame
• Don’t make excuses
This is incredibly hard. I know it. But I think that if you feel you have to end a
relationship, you have to clear the way.
When we say no to relationships that don’t serve us, we make room for
relationships that do.
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