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2 Magazine/April, 2013
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I was raised in a good home with Christian morals and values’, always knowing abortion was wrong and would never be a choice for me, until I found myself unmarried and pregnant at the age of 19. When I moved away from home at 18, I was so naive to the fact that I was desperately seeking the affection and acceptance of a male. My father was a good man; he was a "give the shirt off his back" kind of person and always provided very well for us. Unfortunately, I did not realize until much later in life that what I truly needed was the emotional connection that our relationship lacked. I wanted more than anything, the acceptance and the love of my father.
At 18 when I moved from Dallas to Houston I was beginning a journey of what I thought was freedom, while trying to fill the hole in my heart in a relationship and living with a man 16 years my senior. We had met at work, he was on contract and it was just enough time for him to “woo” me and for my life to drastically jump the track. I left home after only knowing him for 3 months, choosing him over my family….because I knew they did not accept my decision. He was a different race, way too old and had already lived a lifetime, being married & divorced with two sons. But ultimately, I felt I was starting over...a new life the way I wanted and I thought I was exactly where I wanted to be. That was until February of 1996 when I found out I was pregnant.
He told me unequivocally it was not time for a baby and we could not and would not have the child. With those words, paralyzing fear set in instantly. I was living in an unfamiliar city, completely estranged from my family and was being manipulated and controlled by a man who I was quickly learning was an alcoholic/drug addict. I felt alone and thought if I did not follow through with what he wanted, I would lose all that I thought I had at the time…him, I was at his mercy. I could not bear to lose the one person that I was convinced accepted and loved me for who I truly was. Little did I know, this was just the beginning of a spiraling downward of the little me I even knew….soon, I would not recognize even that.
I WAS AT HIS MERCY
I spent the next couple of weeks of hanging on his every word hoping he would change his mind. I did not pray back then, I was not walking with the Lord and I believed everything that happened in my life was a direct result of something I either did or did not do. So, I tried to be a “good girlfriend” and tried to make him love me even more so he would change his mind….but of course, he didn’t. When I think back now, I can not logically explain why my own convictions, thoughts and feelings did not outweigh his. All I know, is I had become an expert co-dependant which had begun in my childhood.
FROM SHAME TO VICTORY
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