Regulars
A few thoughts occurred to me as
the kale entered my mouth for the
first time:
1. This is not a chip!
2. I may not survive this experience.
3. Did I tell my family I loved
them this morning?
4. What is happening in my mouth?
5. Oh God!
6. I may pass out.
7. This woman is no friend of mine.
8. What sort of devilry is this kale?
9. Worst… thing…. Evahhhhh!!!!
As my eyes rolled back in my head
and I struggled to remain conscious
I knew with utmost certainty that
Kale chips were in fact the absolute
abomination of chips, and truly the
most distasteful thing I’ve ever
put in my mouth. I’ve held a baby
over my head and had them puke
directly into my mouth, and kale
chips were worse. It disintegrated
immediately like ashes from a fire
pit, and the taste, there are no
words. Well there are some swears
that could come close to describing
this but I shall refrain. The very
fit and completely misinformed
woman who tried to kill me looked
on in horror. Or glee. I couldn’t
tell through my watering eyes.
I’m not trying to kill the kale
business…although it would be
a mercy killing in my opinion. I’ve
had the kale lovers try to talk me
into trying kale a different way.
“You haven’t tried my kale chips
Julie”, they say. “Did you get young
kale? Did you massage it?” they
ask. Massage it? For real? When’s
the last time you had to massage a
donut? Come on! I just think that if
you have to go to the right farmer,
right restaurant, take your lettuce
to a spa and have it massaged, it
really cannot be worth the hype.
I will continue to abstain from food
that delights me in order to stay
on a healthy path. I will continue
to tell myself that salad is fresh
and awesome. I will continue to
lie to myself and try to believe that
potatoes are the devil and that
gravy will burn my immortal soul,
or something like that. I will do that
because I want to be healthier, I
don’t want to be fat and unhealthy.
But I cannot and will not ever try to
replace any of my delightful foods
with an alternative and expect
it to be the same or better. Kraft
macaroni and cheese will never be
replaced by vegan mac and cheese.
It can’t. It’s a cruel world filled
with evil when someone calling
themselves a friend of yours can
NUTRITION
look you in the eye and tell you
that kale chips will amaze you.
For me, I will endeavor to try new
things that are good for me, but I
will do so knowing they are new
things…. not replacements. The
replacement thing is a fake out and
while I know it works great for some,
for this chubby gal, it’s not going to
swing it. I’m a “call a spade a spade”
kind of girl. If you tell me this is as
good as a Snickers bar…it better be.
JULIE LEPP
a long-time White Oaks team member, currently in the role
of Director of Marketing, Julie is steadfastly trying to find
her niche and comfort zone with physical fitness. She will
definitely let us all know when she finds it – if ever. You can
reach Julie at [email protected]
fall 2015 | wo magazine | 59