SINGLE PARENTING
— by Diane C . Dierks , LMFT
Conflict is inevitable in any household , but in those run by single parents , there are factors that can make conflict seem much more threatening . One of the common fears single parents face is that they ’ ll somehow lose their children — either to the other parent or to an unthinkable social consequence . In order to minimize the potential loss , single parents are often susceptible to two types of insecure parenting emotions : fear and guilt .
Those who practice fearful parenting , tend to set boundaries either too tight in order to control , or too loose to seek their child ’ s approval . Either way , kids don ’ t feel loved and conflict arises .
Those who parent out of guilt most often are the ones who try too hard to avoid conflict because they do not want their kids to experience any more pain after a divorce or separation . Unfortunately , these parents also do their children a disservice by not being real .
Even single parents who have a secure attitude about their parenting role will tell you that when there is no other
56 WNY Family October 2018 adult around , it is easy for kids to take advantage of the situation and for fatigue to get in the way of consistency .
Conflict can be positive if kept under control and resolved in a productive manner . Will children run to the other parent or toward something unhealthy if you have a fight ? They might . But there is a major difference between having a conflict and having a fight .
When two people have conflict , it merely points to a misunderstanding , which can usually be resolved with a little love and creativity . But , when two people fight , it most likely indicates a struggle for power , which only ends when one person gives up or gives in .
Conflict is a fact of life . How you deal with it will determine what happens the next time conflict arises . Here are five things single parents can do in order to avoid fighting :
1 ) Know Thyself , Know Thy Child
Sometimes conflict comes about because of opposite personality traits . Your child may have some qualities of the other parent that were the very ones that kept you from staying married to your ex ! There are no right or wrong personalities — so don ’ t confuse personality traits with character flaws . Guard against your instinct to blame your child for acting like their other parent .
For example , if your child is reserved and you are very outspoken and opinionated , you may have trouble communicating effectively . Recognize your child ’ s communication style and find ways to honor that , not tear it down . You are the adult and will have to take the responsible steps to fit your differing styles together in a way that has positive results .
There are some very good personality profiles that can help you and your child understand each other better . Google “ personality assessments ,” and you will find several short ones that can help illuminate the differences . Once you understand your different styles of communication , you ’ ll be less likely to be on the defensive with one another and lean more toward tolerance and patience .
2 ) Set Reasonable Boundaries & Consequences
The biggest conflict inducer is misunderstanding about boundaries . And nothing is worse for a child than not knowing they have broken a rule until after they ’ ve broken it .
Anticipate potential problems at each stage of your child ’ s life . A 12-yearold will probably need rules about using the telephone and a 16-year-old will need explicit boundaries regarding use of the car . So , it ’ s a good idea to sit down with your child at least once a year and go over behavioral expectations , boundaries , and consequences for breaking the rules .
Having them in writing is very helpful since kids — and parents — can have short memories . If you do this before conflict arises , you will have an easier time enforcing the rules and a calmer attitude in dealing with the infractions . If you wait until conflict is upon you before setting rules or consequences , it will be viewed as a personal attack .
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