“
O
h honey, I’m only teas-
ing,” I say smiling as
I ruffle my six-year-
old’s thick thatch of blonde hair.
He’s annoyed that I’d gently ribbed
him about the adorable cowlick on
his head, and his need for a haircut.
“Teasing isn’t allowed at school.
It’s bullying,” he says with a grave
look in his blue eyes.
“Even children who are too
young to identify and express hurt
feelings verbally, may cry or physi-
cally push away those who think
they mean well,” Woodard says.
Build Resilience
Arm your child with skills to
assertively manage put downs. Au-
thor and educational psychologist
Michele Borba suggests firm state-
ments like: “I want you to stop teas-
ing me.” or “Why would you say
that?” (For more ideas, check out
micheleborba.com.)
This stops me in my tracks.
Is playful teasing really the same
as bullying? I’d mostly thought of
teasing as a form of affection, es-
pecially within the family and with
close friends.
Prosocial Teasing
When is Teasing Bullying?
Because the line between teas-
ing and bullying can be blurry,
many schools adopt zero-tolerance
policies for both behaviors. Nonetheless,
the ability to recognize and respond ap-
propriately to light-hearted teasing is a
valuable social skill.
Communication researcher Carol
Bishop Mills, Ph.D., finds that the lighter
side of teasing benefits our social lives by
building and strengthening relationships
and helping us navigate conflict. But
teaching youngsters to recognize the dif-
ferences between kidding and tormenting
isn’t easy.
In general, kids grasp the concept of
affectionate teasing around age 10, Mills
says. (Although, she adds, a child who is
accustomed to good-natured kidding by
parents may understand it earlier.)
Context and the nature of the re-
lationship is key to understanding the
meaning behind words.
“When kids get teased, they tend
to focus on the negative or challenging
content,” Mills says. “Try to get them to
take the perspective of others by asking,
‘What do you think Reece was doing?’
and talk through that.”
Discuss nonverbal cues that the other
child exhibited. Ask questions like, “Was
he laughing? Was he trying to play? Did
he look mean when he said it?”
Then, discuss teasing from your
child’s point of view. “When you teased
Leila, did you want her to cry? ...Oh you
were playing... maybe Reece was playing
too!”
“It’ll take several attempts. It’s not
an overnight process,” Mills says.
22 WNY Family March 2019
— by Christa Melnyk Hines
When Teasing Morphs
Into Bullying
Of course, youngsters also need to
recognize when teasing isn’t playful. “If
it hurts emotionally, socially or physically,
it’s not funny,” says Deb Woodard, licensed
professional counselor and certified school
counselor. “If persistent, it can become
what is formally identified as bullying.”
Point out body language and verbal
signals that indicate that the target of the
tease isn’t happy. Role-model, role-play
and discuss situations as they arise. And
respect your child’s personal boundaries if
he doesn’t want to be teased about some-
thing — even if it starts out playfully.
If teasing continues, raise the
possibility with your youngster that
the remarks may not really be about
them, but about the teaser.
“Kids tease because they’re
playing with words (rhyming), exploring
new ideas (boyfriend/girlfriend), point-
ing out differences (height, hair color,
glasses, etc.), or to exert peer pressure,”
Mills says.
While teaching kids to stand up for
themselves and confidently express their
feelings builds resilience, encourage them
to immediately seek a trusted, safe adult if
they ever feel scared or threatened.
Freelance journalist Christa Melnyk
Hines and her husband love to joke with
their two school-aged sons, who are hap-
py to tease them right back. Christa is the
author of “Happy, Healthy & Hypercon-
nected: Raise a Thoughtful Communica-
tor in a Digital World.”
Teasing is okay when:
•
•
•
•
Both parties are laughing, smiling, and joking with each other.
Both individuals sense that the teasing is playful and not meant to be hurtful.
The person being teased responds in a playful way, which increases his or her
like-ability in the group.
There’s a balance of power in the relationship.
Teasing should stop immediately when:
•
•
•
•
•
Facial expressions convey that the other person is feeling hurt by the com-
ments.
Taunting or cruel name-calling is used. (Epithets related to race, weight, sexu-
al orientation, ethnicity, religion and disability are unacceptable.)
Comments are derogatory in nature, insulting and mean-spirited.
The teaser shows disdain and dislike for the other person.
There’s a power difference between the individuals. For example, one is the
“popular” kid and the other is struggling in the social setting.
— Source: Carol Bishop Mills, Ph.D., University of Alabama