TWEENS & TEENS
— by Myrna Beth Haskell
begin thinking those words accurately de-
scribe not just friends, but all women. If
we want men to be respectful, allowing
this type of name calling is not going to
help us get that respect,” Rapini warns.
Choosing to Emulate
the Positive
I
All My Whaaat?
Good Girls, Bad Names
t was a few years ago when my
then seventeen-year-old daugh-
ter wanted to show me a cute
picture posted on Instagram of some of
her classmates at the beach. The picture
could have been on the cover of a Hall-
mark card. The beautiful waves, sandy
beach, and smiling, tanned teens made
me yearn to be near the coast, listening
to the waves crash and smelling the salty
air. My mood took a sharp turn, howev-
er, when I glanced at the caption below
which read, “All My Bitches.”
“Are you kidding me?” I asked my
daughter.
“What’s wrong?” was the innocent
reply.
“What does that caption mean?” I
asked, as if I couldn’t read plain English.
“Oh… that’s just something friends
call each other sometimes. It’s not a bad
thing,” she insisted.
Seriously? Not a bad thing? I’m
very familiar with the generation gap,
but this is ridiculous. Newsflash ado-
lescents: a bitch is a female dog, ergo a
derogatory term.
Here’s the problem: If girls use
“bitches” and “hoes” as terms of endear-
ment, adolescent boys think it’s just fine
to refer to them with the same. Teenage
girls need to realize that their disrespectful
banter can have negative consequences.
What are they thinking?
Teens have picked up on this non-
sense from the obvious — pop culture.
Rap lyrics, for instance, are laden with
56 WNY Family July 2019
demeaning terms for females, and they
appear casually in movies as well. Un-
fortunately, “bitch” and “hoe” have be-
come more mainstream than the terms of
yesteryear — chicks, dames, and broads.
Although also considered pejorative for
their time, it was not typical for women
to refer to their friends this way. Does
this commonplace usage degrade how
females are perceived?
“I think the girls are doing this be-
cause it helps them feel inclusive with
their friends,” explains Mary Jo Rapini,
LPC, psychotherapist and co-author of
Start Talking: A Girl’s Guide for You and
Your Mom About Health, Sex, or What-
ever (Bayou Publishing). “However,
their casual manner of disgusting names
for one another is lowering their sense of
self,” she adds.
Losing Respect
Neil McNerney, LPC, family coun-
selor, parent consultant, and author of
Homework: A Parent’s Guide to Helping
Out Without Freaking Out! (Integrated
Press), agrees that these disparaging
names are harmful. “If we use degrading
language, even in jest, about ourselves
and our friends, it will be interpreted as
degrading by others.” Although some
adolescents believe this name calling is
harmless amongst female friends, Mc-
Nerney believes that teen boys might,
in turn, feel compelled to refer to their
female peers in the same way.
“Boys are trying to be accepted by the
girls, so they are using the lingo that helps
them achieve that. Unfortunately, they will
“The very nature of teenagers
throughout the generations is to like
things that their parents don’t like. We
can discourage the negative trends, but
be prepared for pushback. It’s what teen-
agers do,” McNerney points out.
Parents should encourage their
teens to focus on positive behaviors of
the celebrities they admire. Many top
athletes, pop stars, and movie celebrities
give back to their communities.
“For example, P!NK, a music pop
star, speaks out against bullying,” says
Rapini. She advises parents to point
out when they see popular artists doing
good deeds and behaving with dignity,
and there are plenty of examples. Lady
Gaga founded the Born This Way Foun-
dation to combat bullying. New Orleans
quarterback Drew Brees has awesome
stats on the field, but his work off of
the field is just as inspiring. His Brees
Dream Foundation improves the quality
of life for cancer patients and provides
education and opportunities for children
and families in need. Megastar Justin
Bieber is a global ambassador for Pen-
cils of Promise which builds schools in
third world countries.
Of course, the other side of the coin
continues to make headlines. Celebrities’
bad behaviors on movie sets, obscene
performances, and other types of over-
the-top, negative conduct are constantly
in the news. Rapini suggests parents use
these events as teaching moments. “Use
these incidents as examples of what hap-
pens when people compete against oth-
ers for shock value. If you are authentic,
you needn’t compete. Be yourself.”
Perceptions Matter
Rapini counsels, “Parents should
demand ‘word replacement’ and not
back down. In our family the words ‘shut
up’ and ‘stupid’ were not allowed. To this
day, my kids still don’t use those words.”
McNerney explains, “I think we
should remind our daughters how other
people will perceive them when they use