A
parent’s worst nightmare:
Her teen daughter’s fai-
rytale relationship has
somehow spiraled violently out of con-
trol, and she doesn’t seem to want to
free herself from it.
the modern, fraudulent notion that
you’re not supposed to meddle in
your child’s life. Parents need to be
up to speed on what their children are
doing.”
Warning Signs
Unfortunately, relationship vio-
lence is not all that uncommon. Ac-
cording to a 2019 report published by
the CDC (Centers for Disease Con-
trol and Prevention), “Nearly 1 in 11
female students report having experi-
enced physical dating violence in the
last year.”
Some suitors don’t seem violent
at first, so it is imperative that parents
are aware of potential warning signs.
Christine Weber, Ph.D., a clini-
cal neuropsychologist practicing in
Seaford, NY, instructs parents to be
wary of the following behaviors:
• Your teen stops sharing infor-
mation with friends and family.
Dating violence crosses all racial,
economic, and social lines. Most vic-
tims are young women, who often keep
their suffering secret, so it is typical
that parents don’t find out until things
have gotten extremely out of hand.
As a mother of a teenage daugh-
ter who was abused by a controlling
and violent boyfriend, Heidi (name
changed to protect privacy) explains,
“We only found out because my hus-
band took her phone for another reason
and was shocked to see messages our
daughter’s boyfriend was sending her.”
Heidi says that Sabrina’s (name changed
to protect privacy) boyfriend did not start
mistreating her until months into the rela-
tionship. By that time, he had already es-
tablished control over her. “He would tell
her things like, ‘Your mom and dad don’t
love you like I do,’” Heidi reports.
She says that the situation escalated
rapidly. The abuse was both physical and
verbal, but Heidi explains that Sabrina
would hide the abuse from them. “The
school called us one day and said that we
had to get there immediately because our
daughter had been hurt by her boyfriend.”
Heidi describes the fear, hopelessness,
anger and frustration a parent feels when
this is happening to her child. “It’s hard to
understand how awful this is unless you
are going through it.” The entire family is
affected by the situation. “It started to af-
fect our marriage and our other children
because we were consumed with Sabrina’s
situation.”
Can parents help their daughters out
of the abyss?
Avoiding Abuse
from the Get-Go
A healthy and loving relationship
with male caregivers is a good prereq-
34 WNY Family February 2020
• Your teen becomes isolated
because her abuser uses isolation to
satisfy a need for control.
• Your teen defends or justifies
the abuse (e.g., “He didn’t mean to
shove me.”).
• Your teen drastically changes
her appearance to satisfy her boy-
friend’s needs instead of her own.
TWEENS & TEENS
— by Myrna Beth Haskell
BRUTAL
BOYFRIENDS:
What every parent
should know
uisite for future relationships because
girls will know what to look for in a male
companion. However, this does not guar-
antee that your daughter won’t become
involved in a destructive relationship.
“The key lies in creating a strong
loving bond between a daughter and her
dad. This is the first relationship with a
man that starts your daughter on her love
map and later leads to her choice of men
to date and marry,” explains Carole Li-
eberman, M.D., host of the weekly In-
ternet radio show, Dr. Carole’s Couch,
and member of the clinical faculty at
U.C.L.A.’s Neuropsychiatric Institute.
Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, founder of
“This World: The Values Network” and
international bestselling author of thirty
books, including Ten Conversations
You Need to Have with Your Children
(William Morrow), counsels, “I reject
• Your teen’s boyfriend refuses to
meet you. (Not necessarily a sign of
abuse, but a general “red flag”).
Steps Parents
Should Take
“If you really want your teen daugh-
ter to navigate her way through a difficult
or abusive relationship, you need her to
trust you; otherwise, she won’t even be
able to hear you,” says Robert Epstein,
Ph.D., a senior research psychologist at
the American Institute for Behavioral
Research and Technology and author of
Teen 2.0: Saving Our Children and Fam-
ilies from the Torment of Adolescence
(Linden Publishing). “The most impor-
tant way to achieve this is to show her
that you trust her judgment — don’t criti-
cize her for being an idiot who is being
taken advantage of by a defective male.”
Rabbi Boteach says that parents
need to be in positions of authority but
understand their child’s needs. “Rather
than saying ‘I won’t allow it,’ ask ques-
tions about what your teen is feeling,
such as ‘Do you feel this young man re-
spects you?’”
Lieberman recommends that par-
ents encourage their daughter to see a
therapist, but must step in to protect their
child from violence. “If she ignores your
warnings and sneaks out anyway, contact