to thrive in an already tough contempo-
rary world.
SINGLE PARENTING
Given this information, co-parents
do well to recognize that everything they
do to sabotage the efforts of the other
parent directly affects the children in a
powerful way — even if it means subtly
contributing to the negative mood In the
household.
— by Diane C. Dierks, LMFT
Sabotage
Affects Kids
Where They
Live
T
he best gift parents can give
their kids is a positive and
emotionally safe environ-
ment in which to live. We know that if
kids are blessed with this gift, they can
weather just about any storm that comes
their way. Most single parents feel fairly
confident that they can provide this kind
of safe and loving place to live. How-
ever, after a messy divorce or breakup
of two parents, it is often difficult for
either one to imagine how life in the
other home could possibly be positive
and safe for their children. In fact, that’s
what difficult custody fights are made of. bay so that children do not have to be
soldiers in their parents’ unending battle.
It is during these blood-bath battles
that divorcing couples know exactly
how to up the emotional ante by pushing
all the familiar buttons to bring out the
worst in their ex-partners. This is curious
since it begs the question, “What kind of
environment is a parent creating in the
other home when he or she consistently
keeps the other parent off balance?” According to family researcher Eric
D. Johnson of Drexel University, as
much as twenty percent of all divorced
parents are described as high conflict.
Johnson reports that some characteristics
of these high conflict co-parents include
little support for each other’s household
rules, sabotage of each other’s time and
authority, deliberate withholding of in-
formation, no joint problem-solving, use
of kids as messengers, and frequent neg-
ative comments made to children about
their other parent. This means high-con-
flict parents are likely to need the help
of attorneys, psychotherapy for the kids,
and court-ordered penalties in order to
survive the post-divorce battles.
This question is probably the fur-
thest thing from the minds of parents
who are devoting maximum time, en-
ergy, and money toward the goal of win-
ning the title of sole or primary custo-
dian. Unfortunately, however, the laurels
don’t last long and the quest for the title
fades into fallout that continues the war
and leaves the kids stuck in the middle.
It makes sense, then, that parents do ev-
erything possible to keep the conflict at
42 WNY Family February 2019
Too often, co-parents who are in
high conflict believe that they are fight-
ing to protect their children from evil
forces on the other side and fail to see
that what they are doing is actually pick-
ing up their end of the tug-of-war rope.
What are marks of this kind of high-
conflict co-parenting? Common sense
tells us that at the very least, neither
household can be pleasant when there
are the stressful overtones of anger and
the fear of loss within them. Social re-
searchers paint a much dimmer view.
Obviously, these characteristics
cannot possibly assist in creating the
safe and positive environment kids need
The bottom line is that kids of
divorce usually live their lives in two
separate households, regardless of the
custody title of either parent. Where they
live determines how they live. Because
co-parenting interaction greatly affects
the ability of both parents to confidently
do their jobs, each parent must take seri-
ous responsibility for how he or she is
adding to the stress or reducing the emo-
tional safety in the other home. Before
engaging in the battle one more time,
keep these three things in mind:
1. How co-parents treat each
other will ultimately affect the
children.
2. Each parent is responsible for
not contributing to the stress of
the other household.
3. Pushing the other parent’s
emotional buttons will likely
create imbalance that will
negatively affect their parent-
ing – which negatively affects
the children.
Granted, neither parent can control
how the other will perform, and if one
parent feels his or her child’s safety is
at risk by living with the other parent,
legal action should definitely be taken
to protect the children. But sabotaging
the other parent for the sake of a coveted
“win” is, quite frankly, self-serving child
abuse.
Diane C. Dierks is a licensed marriage
and family therapist in Atlanta, Georgia.
She is also author of “The Co-Parent
Toolbox” (2014 Aha! Publishing) and
“Solo Parenting: Raising Strong &
Happy Families” (1997 Fairview Press).
For more information visit her website
at www.dianedierks.com.