SINGLE PARENTING
— by Diane C. Dierks, LMFT
Promises
A
You Can Keep
s we start a brand new year, it
seems to be part of our nature
to make a new beginning.
The many symbols of the holiday season
often leave us with a renewed sense of
hope, as we embrace the idea of second
chances and a forgiven past. We vow to
quit smoking, lose weight, eat healthier,
save more money, go back to school,
write more letters, heal broken relation-
ships, and any number of other seemingly
attainable rewards. Yet how many of us
by January’s end have let our busy lives
interfere with our well-intentioned goals?
Single parents are the most vulner-
able group I know when it comes to set-
ting themselves up for failure. Just watch
a half-hour of television commercials and
you’ll get the picture. You’ve got to lose
weight so you can snag that new spouse
— and if you can do that, remember that
diamonds are forever. And what about
that new mini-van with all the bells and
whistles? That should definitely be on the
to-have list. And of course, don’t forget to
vacation in Hawaii, sign up with Match.
com, help your kids say “No” to drugs,
drink a glass of wine a day, call your psy-
chic, find your adoptive mother, and if you
don’t get help at Charter — please get help
somewhere. Uggggh! So many needs, so
little time.
A Spanish proverb says, “There is no
happiness; there are only moments of hap-
piness” and a Biblical proverb describes
happiness like the wind — it comes and
goes and is impossible to restrain. So,
it’s probably fair to say that when you set
68 WNY Family December 2018
goals or make New Year’s resolutions,
you are really trying to achieve isolated
moments of happiness with the hope that,
collectively, they will have long-lasting
effects on your lifestyle and general atti-
tude.
We might all agree that this is a noble
endeavor, but why in the world do we try
to change everything about ourselves (es-
pecially those things we have been habitu-
ally failing at for so long) in the space of
a few days? It must be our desire for one
orgasmic moment of elation as we feel our
moments of happiness converge (another
area of single parent vulnerability!)
Realistically, I think it’s because
we’ve been deceived to believe we can
do all, have all, and be all, if we’ll make
up our minds to just do it. Easily said, but
painfully done.
There is hope, however, for the worn
and weary, if you are willing to put aside
others’ expectations of your lives, figure
out what is really important to you and
your family, and resolve to eat an elephant
one bite at a time (another paraphrased
proverb). Here are a few suggestions to
ease the pressure and enjoy a few choice
moments of delight in 2019:
Goal of the Month
Does your employer pay your entire
yearly salary to you on January 1? Of
course not. Even they recognize happi-
ness must be divvied up in small incre-
ments. Map out 12 goals for the year. For
example, exercise in January, write letters
in February, save ten dollars in March, etc.
Enlist your kids in the effort and encourage
them to do the same. Who knows? Maybe
you’ll develop an enjoyable habit that will
actually stick throughout the year!
Reward of the Month
On the last day of the month, pen-
cil something in your calendar to reward
yourself and your family for a job well
done. Even though your efforts will have
their own intrinsic rewards (e.g., losing
weight from exercising), it will boost your
confidence to go on to the next month’s
goal if you have a reward day to celebrate
success. Even if you haven’t had the kind
of success you hoped for, give yourself a
pat on the back for doing your best. Your
kids will love it and look forward to it each
month, and you will be teaching them the
value of sticking to a commitment — a
side affect that will pay you and them back
tenfold in the years to come.
Attitude of the Month
It’s one thing to decide to make ma-
terial or physical changes in your life —
it is yet another to expect these things to
improve your emotional state. Rather, it is
more likely that a change in attitude will
affect your material and physical lifestyle.
If this is true, why not try making some
changes here first?
Decide to actually be nice to your
ex-partner for a change. Who knows? It
might bring about some pleasant results.
Or declare cease-fire one month with your
kids. Refuse to fight (keep a balled-up
sock nearby to stuff in your mouth every
time you get the urge to yell, scream, or
lash out) and see what happens. It’s amaz-
ing what great and rational parenting ideas
can come into your mind when you stand
silent for five minutes with a sock in your
mouth!
So, sharpen your pencils and get the
kids together to map out a year of success.
A few nuggets of happiness are waiting to
be found — and a lifetime of memories
will be made in the process.
Diane C. Dierks is a licensed marriage
and family therapist in Atlanta, Georgia.
She is also author of “The Co-Parent
Toolbox” (2014 Aha! Publishing) and
“Solo Parenting: Raising Strong & Hap-
py Families” (1997 Fairview Press). For
more information visit her website is www.
dianedierks.com.