Horoscopes
18
Adela the Mystical Moose-Whisperer
Editor’s note: This month’s horoscopes were not delivered to us by owl, as have been in the past. Instead, we received them via Howler, and so in an attempt to capture the spirit in which they were rendered unto us, we have reproduced them here relatively unchanged, emphasizing exactly what our resident Diviner emphasized in her ten-minute tirade of prophecy and profanity. All expletives have been deleted, but feel free to substitute your own.
ALRIGHT YOU MAJESTIC [expletive deleted] WARRIORS OF MAGIC. IT’S TIME FOR ME TO DO THAT THING THAT I DO EVERY MONTH, SO HOLD ONTO YOUR WANDS, THIS [expletive deleted] IS [expletive deleted] CRAY.
SCORPIO: THE SOLAR ECLIPSE FOCUSED THE UNIVERSE ON YOUR PERSONAL NEEDS, SO ALL YOU SINGLE LADIES, GET BIZZAY!!! THIS IS YOUR TIME. IF THAT ISN’T ENOUGH TO PUT A SMILE ON YOUR DIAL, VENUS IS LOITERING AROUND THE PERIPHERIES OF YOUR SPHERE OF INFLUENCE, WHICH MEANS THAT ANY WRITING PROJECTS YOU HAPPEN TO ENGAGE IN WILL BE EXCELLENT AS [expletive deleted]!
SAGGITARIUS: BAD NEWS. THE 12TH IS NOT GOING TO BE A GOOD DAY FOR YOU. IT’S UNFORTUNATE, BUT IT’S A FACT. JUST STAY HOME. ON THE PLUS SIDE, THE REST OF THE MONTH WILL BE [expletive deleted] GREAT FOR YOU, BECAUSE MARS AND JUPITER HAVE JOINED FORCES TO THE WEST. IF YOU’RE PLANNING A HOLIDAY, DO IT NOW, BECAUSE A POTENTIAL PROMOTION IN THE SEMI-DISTANT FUTURE COULD LEAVE YOU WILL [expletive deleted] ALL SPARE TIME.
CAPRICORN: ALRIGHT [expletive deleted] SATURN HAS BEEN ALL UP IN YOUR BUSINESS FOR THE PAST FEW MONTHS, BUT ALL THAT WILL END ON THE 7TH. IN THE MEANTIME, WORK ON YOUR RESUME, BECAUSE AN AWESOME AS [expletive deleted] OPPORTUNITY WILL PRESENT ITSELF ON THE 23RD, AND YOU WANT TO BE READY FOR THAT. SERIOUSLY, STOP READING THIS AND GET REVISING.
AQUARIUS: WITH ASSISTS FROM MARS AND PLUTO THIS MONTH, YOU WILL BE FEELING [expletive deleted] UNSTOPPABLE. DO NOT FEAR HUBRIS. GO [expletive deleted] NUTS, BECAUSE NOTHING BAD WILL COME OF IT. TRUST ME ON THIS, CAUTION IS FOR THE [expletive deleted] WEAK.
PISCES: THE NARGLES ARE BACK. TAKE COVER.
ARIES: LIKE AQUARIUS, IT IS PAST TIME FOR YOU TO CARPE THE [expletive deleted] DIEM. YOUR SWAY OVER LOVERS WILL REACH A CRESCENDO ON THE 26TH, JUST IN TIME FOR THE TWO OF YOU TO TAKE [expletive deleted] IRONIC PICTURES WEARING [expletive deleted] HIDEOUS SWEATERS.
TAURUS: THIS MONTH, MARS WILL BE CAUGHT IN A COMPROMISING POSITION WITH VENUS, SO NOW IS THE TIME TO IMPROVE YOUR LIVING SPACE. DEAL WITH THAT GNOME PROBLEM YOU’VE BEEN IGNORING. IT’S WINTER, THE [expletive deleted] VERMIN WILL BE HIBERNATING, NOW IS YOUR CHANCE TO WIN THE WAR.
GEMINI: YOU’VE BEEN PUTTING IN THE HARD YARDS AT WORK, AND NOW YOU WILL REAP THE [expletive deleted] REWARDS. THERE MIGHT BE A FEW LAST MINUTE TASKS, BUT WITH THE AID OF JUPITER TO THE NORTH AND URANUS TO THE WEST, YOU’LL GET THEM DONE IN NO TIME, LIKE THE WONDROUS [expletive deleted] QUEEN YOU ARE.
CANCER: THE NEW MOON WILL INTERSECT WITH MERCURY ON THE 22ND, ALLOWING YOU TO SLITHER A LITTLE FURTHER UP THE GREASY TOTEM POLE. THE HIGHER YOU SLITHER, THE MORE THE [expletive deleted] HATERS ARE GOING TO BE GETTING IN THE WAY, BUT YOUR [expletive deleted] SERENITY WILL GET YOU THROUGH.
LEO: LAST MONTH’S NEW MOON SOLAR ECLIPSE MAY HAVE STIRRED UP SOME [expletive deleted] DARK STUFF. IF THEY’RE NOT SOLVED BY THE 23RD, YOU WILL KNOW WHAT TO DO. BECAUSE YOU ARE [expletive deleted] INVINCIBLE.
VIRGO: THE NEXT SIX WEEKS WILL BE A GOOD SIX WEEKS WITH RESPECT TO YOUR CAREER. [expletive deleted] HOORAY. UNFORTUNATELY, YOU’RE GOING TO CATCH A COLD ON THE 17TH. AT LEAST NOW YOU’RE FOREWARNED. YOU’RE [expletive deleted] WELCOME.
LIBRA: YOU ARE A MIGHTY [expletive deleted] FORCE. YOU ARE INVULNERABLE. YOU ARE AJAX. MERCURY HAS FINISHED [expletive deleted] AROUND, SO GET WORKING ON YOUR RESOLUTIONS FOR THE NEW YEAR. IF YOU START THEM NOW, YOU WILL SUCCEED LIKE THE GLORIOUS [expletive deleted] UNICORN THAT YOU ARE.