Horoscopes
Adela the Mystical Moose-Whisperer
This Valentine’s Day, among the profusion of romantic branding and capitalist excess, I give you this advice: adopt a cat.
If you already have a cat, adopt another. ‘But why?’ you may ask. And I shall tell you. Adopt a cat because, whilst significant others are fleeting, cats are forever.
VIRGO: With Jupiter loitering around your life sector for the foreseeable future, a Siamese cat is a good option. A highly strung pet will remind you to take the time to relax. It will also act as a good way to vet potential love interests. If they don’t like the cat, then they’re clearly not good enough for you.
LIBRA: A celestial triangle formed by Venus, Mercury and Saturn points towards a Maine Coon. A giant fluffy cat prancing around your abode will be all the company you need, even if you’re all alone.
SCORPIO: All signs point to you not necessarily having the most romantic of Valentine’s days. Having a calico kitten which looks like it was taken straight out of the pages of a calendar of adorableness will be especially helpful.
SAGGITARIUS: A strong, proud, upstanding woman such as yourself needs a strong, proud, upstanding British cat. The intersection between Pluto and Mars means that the fortnight between the 7th is the perfect time for house training. Get a British Shorthair and crack on.
CAPRICORN: The nexus of Venus and Saturn points towards spending, and how better to spend than on a fancy cat. Perhaps an Exotic Shorthair. All the squishy-faced adorableness of a Persian, with the convenience of a shorthair.
AQUARIUS: With Venus gliding through your sphere this month, there will be some uproar in your life, so add some simplicity to your life with a nice tabby. It will be a nice note of constancy in your otherwise frenetic life.
PISCES: It’s going to be a quiet year for you, with Neptune nowhere in sight. A vocal cat like a Burmese would be an excellent companion in these coming quiet months.
ARIES: The retreat of Uranus will give you a blissfully calm couple of years to come. A simple, elegant cat like a Russian Blue will be a perfect addition to your abode. There are lonely times to come and such a cat would be of excellent assistance.
TAURUS: I foresee appliance malfunction in the form of flooding in the near future, and it’s inevitable. A cat which does well in the water, such as a Norwegian Forest Cat, would be a perfect choice.
GEMINI: The superposition of the outer planets indicates that a cat is possibly not for you. It seems that the best option for you would be an ornamental carp. Unless of course you were born in the first half of the month, in which case perhaps a Scottish Fold with its floppy ears will be better suited to your needs.
CANCER: The angle formed between the earth, the sun and Mercury indicates that you need more than one cat. Indeed a minimum of two. With that many cats, you’ll want cats which don’t shed, so a Cornish Rex; the poodle of the cat world, is the ideal option for you.
LEO: Like the glorious amazon that you are, perhaps a cat equally as glorious. With the stars indicating that adventure is on the cards for you, an equally adventurous cat is perhaps what you need. A Savannah Cat is an excellent choice, the lion of the cat world.
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Dagatha Christie
Adela the Magical Moose Whisperer