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As a Hufflepuff, I never had cause to interact with the portrait referred to almost reverentially as ‘The Fat Lady,' so I was a little nervous to be once again treading the halls of Hogwarts. I had the bottle of wine I had been instructed to bring with me—because, as the lady herself told me, “it’s a touch awkward if only one of us is drinking.” I found her portrait festooned for the season, and star of the portrait reclining on a couch with a sizeable goblet in hand.
WW: I’ve only ever heard of you referred to as ‘The Fat Lady’. What is your real name?
FL: None of your business, missy. I’ve worked hard to cultivate an air of mystery, and that’s not going to be helped by students knowing my name. Especially now that Google exists. I shudder to think what they might find.
WW: So there’s a sordid past?
FL: You might very well think that. I couldn’t possibly comment. I will say the nineties were a fun decade.
WW: Which nineties?
FL: Oh, who’s counting?
WW: Our readers.
FL: Let’s just say that I was there for the decline of the Empire.
WW: You’re not going to tell me which one, are you?
FL: Indeed I am not!
WW: Moving on, then. You’re the only portrait who guards the entrance to a common-room. How strict are you when it comes to students needing to remember the password?
FL: If you ask me, it’s a binary system. Either the students know and remember the password, in which case I let them enter, or they don’t, in which case they’re stuck outside until someone comes along and lets them in.
WW: So you don’t budge.
FL: No. When you start bending the rules, anarchy follows. That’s why I approve of Sir Cadogan’s methods. That chap does not deviate from his orders. At the end of the day, it’s about keeping the children safe. I’ve been injured in the line of duty, and I’d do it again in an instant, if it meant keeping the common-room safe from intruders.
WW: You mentioned Sir Cadogan and the period in 1993 when he stood in whilst you were out of commission. Did you choose him to be your replacement?
FL: Indeed I did. I wanted someone who would, if the need arose, be brave to the point of stupidity. I knew that he would be perfect for the job because whilst he may be a number of things, bright is not one of them. Don’t get me wrong, he’s an absolute delight to chat with, and quite a good singer once he’s drunk, but he is not the sharpest mace in the armoury.
WW: Do you ever leave your post to visit other portraits?
FL: Occasionally. I’m especially good friends with Violet, Cadogan’s third ex-wife. Every so often we do a tour of the drunken monks. I tell you, it is always a good time with them!
WW: But then who would guard the portrait hole?
FL: Darling, I do not leave my post during school terms. In the holidays, however, it is party time.
WW: Have you ever played pranks on students?
FL: Only the rude ones. The ones who act as if interacting with me is nothing but an interruption in their oh-so important lives. When they give me the password, I tell them that it changed overnight and watch them panic.
WW: And then you let them in, surely?
FL: Once they’ve sweated a little. They’re always more polite afterward. [laughs] Such fun!
WW: This interview is going to be printed in our Valentine’s Day issue, and so I have one last question. As a strong, independent witch, what advice do you have for our single readers going into Valentine’s day?
FL: Romance is overrated, but good wine and good friends are not.
More Than a Portrait:
An Interview
With the Fat Lady
14
By: Adela the Magical Moose Whisperer