Wiregrass Seniors Magazine June 2017 JUNE ISSUE

Page 8 WiregrassSeniorsMagazine.com bars but, for us, they just get us on and off the john. Hopefully… The Joys of Turning 100 By Cal McDaniels You’ve put in your time volunteering, mentoring, and just getting older, and now… Well, now, you’re real old. Yes, these are supposed to be the “goldest years,” but some days the only thing that looks goldish is what fills the toilet 5 times a night. The days of sore backs and bad hips lie ahead of us. Consider the fabulous situations that await you… Geezer-Worthy Bathrooms: Getting on and off the john ain’t easy with half a hip. Now that bath- room wall gets to be decorated with bars like some cross fit gym. But there won’t be any work- ing out here! The grandkids will use them as pullup Prune Infusions: We ain’t gettin’ any younger, and neither are those bowels. Now those weekend brunch mimosas have been replaced with prune juice and Metamucil cocktails. But even though we’re constipated, we have to stay close to a john because that colon doesn’t have the power to wait for us to beeline it for the bathroom in a walker. Wheelchair Roadblocks: The days of playing around in bumper cars may be over, but now you get to play bumper wheelchairs. And you don’t need to be at the fair to play either! You can do it every single day with the sink, the table, the counters, the dog, and pretty much everything else you’re trying to use, talk to, or to get around. Pimp up that ride with a sweet new bumper and some blingin’ chrome — aka scratch-resistant — rims. That should pair up real nice with that oxy- gen tank and those flashy diabetes travel totes… Insane Remodels: Remember the days of stepping in and out of the shower? Well, those are over now. Arthritic knees and busted hips make bend- ing and stepping a thing of the past, and that means everything in our house now gets to be replaced. That toilet? Too low. The bathtub? Too high. The sink? Impossible to get to. Start saving up for it all now because the typical bathroom remodel costs over $9000. The upside is that our grandkids will think we’re rockin’ hipsters since all we’ll ever eat is Ramen noodles. Self-Tracking Device: Everyone else has GPS for directions, but you have a GPS for yourself. Fig- uring out where we’re going, where we came from, and why we’re going anywhere in the first place, have now become life’s biggest questions. Now look at that! There’s so much more to those later golden years than calcium chews and stag- nant social security checks. I guess it could be worse, but I have a hard time believing that. Yall stay green side up!

Wiregrass Seniors Magazine June 2017 JUNE ISSUE | Page 8