G
rownups spend exorbitant
amounts of time and money
endeavoring to make themselves
feel great, feel fabulous - or for some,
counteract the self-loathing looping
relentlessly in their heads. New outfits,
partying with friends, chemical peels…
there’s no lengths we won’t go to boost our
self-confidence. After all, that’s what truly
makes someone feel incredible.
We all travel through life with a different
sense of self-worth. What produces a
positive person rather than one who treats
themselves negatively? The foundation of
our self-esteem is created from childhood.
What we heard, what we saw, and how
we coped all contributed to how we see
ourselves now and how we walk through
life. As a parent, and as someone who
others might consider beautiful, I struggle
daily to love about myself. But it’s my
mission to prevent my little girl from
facing the same crippling fate. Luckily,
therapy has done me good. I’ve learned
ways to bolster her self-worth early on so
she can avoid years of pain down the road.
What makes us feel good and what makes
a child feel good is not dissimilar. The
only difference is that they have a clean
slate.
Watch your language
I freely admit to cursing like a sailor,
but that’s not what I’m referring to here.
Watch your words towards them, yourself,
and others. I have a Tourette’s-like habit
of spewing negative comments about
myself, “I look like a (cow, sausage, man,
dirty hippie).” “Ugh, I suck at life.” “Look
how disgusting I am” (as I aggressively
jiggle my flabby skin at my husband so
he will finally admit he agrees). Before
having a child, my remarks only affected
me and my spouse - heaven love him
for having to listen to it every day. As a
child discovering themselves and their
place in the world, watching mommy
say these horrible things about herself
could only mean that she is that way
too. Unacceptable! Being a good role
model is hard when you have your own
demons. What you do is what they
want to do. What you say is what they
will say. I’m working on verbalizing or
appearing content with myself around
her. She repeats what I say about myself to
herself. Allow them to witness confidence
radiating from you. It’s crucial that our
children not start off with unfounded
self-hatred. We want them to feel as
wonderful as we know they are. They
absolutely deserve it.
Speaking positively and respectfully
of others is also a way of practicing
affirmative dialogue. They gather
information from different individuals
and environments then construct a view
of themselves. I’m naturally pessimistic,
and though it’s made me funny and
insightful it comes at a heavy cost that
I don’t want my daughter to pay. She is
full of light and self-assurance, I want it
to stay that way.
Learn to give honest praise, and train
them to reciprocate that onto others.
Feeling good about oneself isn’t all about
us. Respect, love, empathy – these are the
building blocks of an awesome person.
When we are kind to others, we practice
self-love which instills happiness.
Encourage individuality
There’s nothing more effective than
genuinely commending and supporting
your child’s individuality and talents.
When they feel good about what they
are doing, feel proud about a skill like
singing, sports, or even being good
with animals, they feel fantastic! Spend
time with them watching, helping, and
applauding who they are and what talents
they bring to the world. I promise the
off-key trombone playing will get better!
Give them opportunities to demonstrate
their abilities, to go as far as they can.
Reassuring, accepting, and valuing who
they are will lift them up to where they
need to be.
Other proven techniques that build self-
worth in children:
Teach them how to cope with criticism
and failure
Listen to what they say, whether you agree
or not
How to accept a compliment
Spend one-on-one time with them
Allow them to make choices
Don’t compare them to anyone
Validate their feelings
Give affection; they will always need that
to feel accepted by you
Teach them how to stand up for
themselves
Ask for their help so they feel needed
Even when joking, don’t talk down to
them. Watch your sarcasm.
We are the biggest influences in our
children’s lives, so be mindful of that.
When they feel good about themselves
it will ultimately set them up for success.
They will do well at school, home, in
relationships – you name it. Our children
have altered our lives for the better, in
spite of late nights and tantrums, so set
them up to be a happy, confident person
by practicing self-love now.
SEPTEMBER 2017
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WINTER GARDEN MAGAZINE
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17