which means they may have Dostoyevsky , Joyce and Jane Austin up the ass , ready to be unpacked at many a bullshit book-reading cocktail party , and they can talk plot , structure , character arcs , beats , turning points , themes , sub-themes and classic echoes - but they can ’ t write for shit . They may have watched or read Sense and Sensibility and Remains of the Day a dozen times , but they have little or no time in the director ’ s armchair with good ol ’ fashioned masters of pulp genre entertainment .
When I asked the 12-year old junior editor what her favourite classic SA film is , she said ; ‘ Jerusalema ’. Hmmm ... Hey , don ’ t get me wrong . JERUSALEMA was a kick-ass action movie that is proudly SA , and a taste of the kind of films we should be making more of . But ... great ? If Jerusalema is a “ great ” gangster movie , then what do you call Scarface ? Untouchables ? Godfather Trilogy ? City of God ?
Sadly , what ’ s going on at AFFRO is really just a microcosm of what ’ s going on in our corrupt , inept government - where you have a bunch of ignorant , no-talent , pseudointellectual , quasi-academic parrots and primates imitating their betters -- badly . Because , in real countries , that have real film industries , their writers and editors don ’ t go on a “ course ” to master their craft . They get there through looong years of blood , sweat , tears and rejection slips . They ’ ve been around the block a few times , know what I mean ?
Ultimately , based on my experience , not one , not ONE fkn member of AFFRO , from the board on down to the project managers , editors , junior editors , prepube editors , not ONE of them know what the fk they ’ re really talking about . Coz if they did , they would not continuously churn out KAK MOO-VEEEEES !!! So , yeah , after that experience , I ’ ve come full circle … to the place where the late great William Goldman once said ; “ Nobody , in this industry , knows anything .” Fkn-A . So it is written - by one of the masters - so it shall be done . From now on , my stock answer to all those geniuses that think they know what ’ s best for
International writers get there through long years of blood , sweat , tears and rejections
my script is ; “ I ’ m right , you ’ re wrong .” Either give me the money to make my movie , and then stand back , shut the fuck up , and watch how magic and greatness is created . Or … get the FUCK OUTTA MY WAY !!!
Here ’ s something I ’ ve learned about life , love and the film industry ; no one likes a nice guy . Not Agents . Not Studio Execs . Not Women . Nobody . Be nasty - it makes their pussy wet - especially the women . You think I ’ m jiving you ? Then how come every woman I treated like a princess left me for someone who treated them like shit ? And every woman I treated like shit stuck to me like shit on a blanket ?
To date , I have three letters from AFFRO pledging funding -- and I haven ’ t received a cent directly from them yet . Oh , everyone else got paid . The Project leaders . Editors . Junior Editors . Course Leaders . Panellists . Upper management . The co-writer they brought in . The BEE producers they appointed - who embezzled the money and ended up in rehab . They all got paid , with the development funds raised with my script . But I had to call on the Guild to help me fight for what was left of my option fee .
Moral of the story ? If you want to fuck up your movie , take it to AFFRO . Or that other sausage machine that churns out turkeys one-after-the other … DISTANT VISION or whatever they ’ re called . They ’ re both always looking for good material to corn-hole . And they ’ ll even pay you for the privilege . But if you want their money , it ’ s their rules … for your movie . Their way . You ’ ll have to care what they think … about you … and your script . Or … you can just … Liberate Yourself .
“ Where are my feelings ? I feel for no one .” Paul Atreides ( DUNE )
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