which means they may have Dostoyevsky, Joyce and Jane Austin up the ass, ready to be unpacked at many a bullshit book-reading cocktail party, and they can talk plot, structure, character arcs, beats, turning points, themes, sub-themes and classic echoes- but they can’ t write for shit. They may have watched or read Sense and Sensibility and Remains of the Day a dozen times, but they have little or no time in the director’ s armchair with good ol’ fashioned masters of pulp genre entertainment.
When I asked the 12-year old junior editor what her favourite classic SA film is, she said;‘ Jerusalema’. Hmmm... Hey, don’ t get me wrong. JERUSALEMA was a kick-ass action movie that is proudly SA, and a taste of the kind of films we should be making more of. But... great? If Jerusalema is a“ great” gangster movie, then what do you call Scarface? Untouchables? Godfather Trilogy? City of God?
Sadly, what’ s going on at AFFRO is really just a microcosm of what’ s going on in our corrupt, inept government- where you have a bunch of ignorant, no-talent, pseudointellectual, quasi-academic parrots and primates imitating their betters-- badly. Because, in real countries, that have real film industries, their writers and editors don’ t go on a“ course” to master their craft. They get there through looong years of blood, sweat, tears and rejection slips. They’ ve been around the block a few times, know what I mean?
Ultimately, based on my experience, not one, not ONE fkn member of AFFRO, from the board on down to the project managers, editors, junior editors, prepube editors, not ONE of them know what the fk they’ re really talking about. Coz if they did, they would not continuously churn out KAK MOO-VEEEEES!!! So, yeah, after that experience, I’ ve come full circle … to the place where the late great William Goldman once said;“ Nobody, in this industry, knows anything.” Fkn-A. So it is written- by one of the masters- so it shall be done. From now on, my stock answer to all those geniuses that think they know what’ s best for
International writers get there through long years of blood, sweat, tears and rejections
my script is;“ I’ m right, you’ re wrong.” Either give me the money to make my movie, and then stand back, shut the fuck up, and watch how magic and greatness is created. Or … get the FUCK OUTTA MY WAY!!!
Here’ s something I’ ve learned about life, love and the film industry; no one likes a nice guy. Not Agents. Not Studio Execs. Not Women. Nobody. Be nasty- it makes their pussy wet- especially the women. You think I’ m jiving you? Then how come every woman I treated like a princess left me for someone who treated them like shit? And every woman I treated like shit stuck to me like shit on a blanket?
To date, I have three letters from AFFRO pledging funding-- and I haven’ t received a cent directly from them yet. Oh, everyone else got paid. The Project leaders. Editors. Junior Editors. Course Leaders. Panellists. Upper management. The co-writer they brought in. The BEE producers they appointed- who embezzled the money and ended up in rehab. They all got paid, with the development funds raised with my script. But I had to call on the Guild to help me fight for what was left of my option fee.
Moral of the story? If you want to fuck up your movie, take it to AFFRO. Or that other sausage machine that churns out turkeys one-after-the other … DISTANT VISION or whatever they’ re called. They’ re both always looking for good material to corn-hole. And they’ ll even pay you for the privilege. But if you want their money, it’ s their rules … for your movie. Their way. You’ ll have to care what they think … about you … and your script. Or … you can just … Liberate Yourself.
“ Where are my feelings? I feel for no one.” Paul Atreides( DUNE)
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