Let’s be open
let's be honest
but-
don't be too open
don't be too honest
someone might think you have
problems.
A constant fear I have yet to overcome.
the fear of my own mind and emotions
I enjoy the gritty disheveled reality that is the secular realm I live in.
much inspiration- much material, so much so that I've lost myself in it.
My anxiety has peaked my mental state of mind lost and I do not believe I'll find my way
back this time.
I'm afraid
afraid of myself
My depressed, malicious thoughts, my callous destructive actions.
They can last for days or weeks
and I embrace them
write about them
joke about them
let them define me for a little while.
However, I'm always brought back down
I gain consciousness once more.
This immutable voice that says
"you are not cruel, you are decent
you are not destructive just lost in your own self. You depend too much on yourself, when
you have been blessed with people to help you carry your burdens, but you simply always
fail to ask for help."
"You see yourself as unworthy, unfit, for love and attention. you've built this wall of brick
and cement and then covered it in poison. You push away feelings that you deem weak, you
push away people who just wanna see you up on your feet."
Screw this immutable voice.
and then I breathe
I let the wind hit my face
familiar voices fill my ears that bring me back to my wonderful reality.
I have nothing to complain about
because frankly others have it worse...
but you see this is all in my head
it's a battle I'm fighting within myself.
Sometimes I'm losing
slipping away into this endless cryptic abyss
other times I'm winning to the point where I believe that these feelings won't ever come
crawling back, but in fact they've already stained my mind, tattooed my soul made me cry
for hours
as if that would somehow fill the hole.
Don't be too honest
Don't be too open
someone might think you have problems.
I have problems I'm told.
Because I can never articulate what I'm feel, it's never a set feeling that I can pin point and
breakdown, it's always changing and I'm constantly going around and around
I've placed myself on a mental carousel.
There are times when giving up seems grand, but overall, I know I can't. I'm not that
person to float below the depth in hopes that I'll drown myself out. I thrash against the
currents, fill my lungs with water push myself until I break. shattering the glass of fear
reel in the shards of relief.
I'm never too open
I'm never too honest
I'm too myself.