Vive Charlie Issue 19 - Page 50

@causticbob has a wonderful habit of offending everyone.

Whether you're black, white, yellow or brown. Male, female, gay, left wing, right wing, racist or stupid; You're a target...

'Masters and Johnson'

William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson were sex researchers in the 1950s until the 1990s. They conducted many ground-breaking studies into human sexuality. They documented the human response to sexual stimulation. They also conducted studies into practices that were less acceptable to current society. Here is a summary of a study they conducted while touring the middle-east in 1987.

While touring Iraq, they encountered a goat herder who identified himself only as “Mahmoud”. They asked him several question about his sexual practices. “Mahmoud” stated that goat herding is a lonely profession and there aren’t any girls around. Master & Johnson enquired “Mahmoud” on how he fulfilled his sexual needs. “Mahmoud” replies that goats, but they are never willing to have sex with him and he has to be cunning in order to relieve himself. The sex researchers asked how he goes about having sex with goats. “Mahmoud” replies that he tricks the goat into getting its head stuck between the branches of a fig tree then he positions himself behind the goat and enjoys the pleasures only a goat can give. Masters & Johnson take all this down in their notebooks, thank “Mahmoud” and continue their exploration of Middle-East sexual habits.

The next stop for Master & Johnson is Afghanistan. There they meet “Mahboub”, a shepherd, and as with the Iraqi, they question him about his sexual practices. “Mahboub” tells them that all the girls in his village are in their teens and married and there are none available for him. “What do you do to satisfy your normal urges?” asked the sexologists. “Mahmoub” replies that sheep are very pleasureful but not at all inclined to submit to sex with people. “I have to get them in a position where they can’t kick or run away. I usually lure them into a mud pit and their hind legs get stuck. When this happens I can walk behind them and enter them”. Masters & Johnson thank the shepherd for being so forthright and bid him good day.

That night, the researchers compare notes. They agree that the predominant sexual practice of Middle-Eastern males is bestiality and that they have to lure the animal into a safe position so they can engage in rear entry intercourse. They also agree that while the data appears to be conclusive they need at least one more data point before they can publish. That night they make plans to travel to Saudi Arabia to conduct one more interview.

Masters & Johnson arrive in Saudi Arabia and meet “Mohammad” a well-to-do farmer who raises goats and sheep. As before they ask him about his sexual practices. “Mohammad” tells them that goats and sheep are great for sex, with sheep being better lovers as goats struggle too much. “But you have several wives, all of them under the age of 13, why do you prefer goats and sheep?”

“Mohammad” thinks for a bit and then answers, “Goats and sheep are strictly there for my pleasure. My wives are too, but many times they forget their place and speak out of turn or want things that are only for men, such as driving or going to school”.

Masters & Johnson take all this down and then ask “Mohammad” about the mechanics of his sexual activities with the animals.

“I get naked then I put the left hoof on my right shoulder and the right hoof on my left shoulder and she stands facing me. I thrust forward into her until I gift her with my seed.”

The researchers look at each other quizzically.

"Mohammad that is very unusual!"

“How so?”

“In all our research we have found that Middle-Eastern men mount their animals from behind.”

“Mohammad” gives them a disgusted look and replies “What? No kissing?”.