I've little time for introductions, other than to welcome you to my new column in a new publication that sits close to my heart. Some of you will already know my mischievous nature from my blog or from Twitter (@holbornlolz), others have yet to be offended, shocked and outraged by me (or as I prefer to call it – entertained).
I'll be covering current affairs, our ridiculous politicians, our addiction to celebrity morons, our grand hypocrisy and our ability to poke wasps nests and laugh or cry at the ensuing chaos. If I'm not offending someone, I'm not doing my job properly – and as paying subscribers, you're willing participants in the beauty of free speech and free expression. So simply sit back and enjoy the ride and spare a thought for those who sadly cannot, either through fear, oppression or the very darkest of sins, self imposed censorship.
The last few weeks have shown the very real dangers of having an opinion and refusing to keep it to yourself - once again, sadly we live in dangerous times. The act of reading this magazine is the first step in fighting back against the ever creeping silent society of quiet, compliant obedience, eagerly demanded by well, pretty much anyone who with a vested interest in ensuring their voice is louder than yours. From Politicians to religious fundamentalists, you'll find them screeching their indignation that you dare to tread a different path in life from them. You'll find their ever creeping tentacles everywhere, from demanding escalators to carry the morbidly obese to the summit of Everest or realigning your mother tongue to exclude terms and phrases they deem no longer suitable in their brave new world.
The rush to this new “Puritanism” is not new. Throughout the ages we have burned books and those denounced as witches because we were assured by our betters that our lives (and more importantly) our afterlives would be so much richer if we could just deny ourselves the pleasure of laughter. Or sex. Or thinking. Or talking. And just blindly obeying.
I do implore you however to remain non partisan. There are many who are pointing fingers of blame
for our self imposed silence on those who simply have no say in the matter and others ready to grasp the limelight as “victims, forever oppressed”. I know who the instigators of the current purge of free speech are, I know who their enablers are and I know their desired outcome – a quick history lesson of mankind's inhumanity to mankind will show you where the real culprits lie – refrain from blaming the sheep for the actions of the shepherd. Let's concentrate instead on closing down the abattoirs and encouraging our fellow citizens to become a little more free range. I don't want free speech to be the dirty little secret of a few, I want us all to graze on the lush pastures of genuine Liberty, grow fat on the banquets of bad taste and wallow in the outrageously offensive, safe in the knowledge that we chose that path willingly. We mock, deride and ridicule for a noble purpose – to remain free to live our lives as we see fit. We owe that much to our grandchildren when they demand to know from us what we did in the Free Speech wars. We fought back and guffawed in the faces of those who inch by inch, tried to take a mile of our hard won freedoms away.
Be warned. They will come for us, for you and for me. They will demand their outrage carries more weight than your individual freedom. They will insist that their freedom to live unoffended trumps your human right to be offensive – it doesn't and never should. That way lies book burning and the horrors of Totalitarianism; they'll always come for the comedians first as laughter is more powerful and dangerous to their warped ideals than any gun could ever be. Ask the cabaret artists who fled the Third Reich or the Soviet comedians who dodged Stalin's purges.
Ignore them all, fellow humourists – we were here first and we'll be laughing at their idiocies long after they are lowered into their dark lime filled pits to moulder in cold silent misery. We're the ones who will grow old disgracefully, our bellies aching from mirth and our faces wrinkled with well earned laughter lines.
Now, about those Maddie McCann jokes.....