Vermont News Guide | Page 21

Benjamin Lerner is a recovering addict , composer , writer , musician , and radio host . He has been sober and clean since June 13th , 2016 . In his weekly column , CLEAN , he shares his personal journey - and lessons he has learned from his life in recovery . Benjamin lives in East Arlington , Vermont .
Faint shadows danced across the eaves of my mother ’ s attic as I rose from my bed in a dissociated haze . I was five years sober , and I was preparing myself for a demanding workday . I walked over to a nearby clothing rack , grabbed a button-down shirt , and proceeded to rifle through an overstuffed plastic bin for suitable socks and pants . My life and mind were in complete shambles , but there was no time to dwell on the disorganized clutter . Recovery had brought about professional and personal opportunities that I never could have dreamed of in active addiction , and it was time for me to fulfill my obligations .
Although I was ashamed that a series of logistical challenges had forced me to temporarily move back into my mother ’ s cottage , I was grateful that she had given me and my girlfriend a safe and comfortable place to stay . I was also looking forward to moving into a new apartment in several weeks . As our residential transition drew nearer , my girlfriend and I were anticipating a far more significant change : Our first baby was due in two months , and the pressure was beginning to mount in ways that I did not think I was capable of handling . I was facing a series of impending deadlines for my journalistic assignments , and I was struggling to maintain my balance as I navigated my daily routines .
I waddled into the kitchen at a plodding pace , clicked on my phone , and scrolled through a series of urgent messages from people I had interviewed for my magazine stories . Each and every one of them demanded timely responses , which required clarity , executive function ,

MIND & BODY

and decisive action . Sadly , I was stuck in a cycle of procrastinatory pessimism . As I hovered my fingers over the keypad and attempted to begin my professional outreach , I felt weighed down by self-imposed guilt and insecurity . It was a destructive loop that proved difficult to escape , but I was determined to break through the mental chains that were holding me back from self-actualization . After brewing a fresh pot of tea , I began rattling off short and effective messages with the speed of a seasoned stenographer . In the middle of my swashbuckling journalistic campaign , my girlfriend called down to me from the attic :
“ Can you take a break from work ? I need you to help me down the stairs !”
I slammed my phone down , grit my teeth , and clenched my fists . I should have been gratefully willing to help her cope with the physical limitations imposed by her late-stage pregnancy , but my stress and fear had manifested in selfish egotism and impatience . I grumbled incoherently as I stomped towards the stairs . My mind had been consumed by a firestorm of self-righteous frustration , and I was preparing to transfer my emotional instability onto her through a resentful , condescending monologue . On the verge of yelling at my undeserving girlfriend , I paused on the bottom step of the staircase . I took a deep breath , gathered my bearings , and came to the following realization :
I might have been carrying the proverbial weight of our financial future , but she was carrying the literal weight of our expected child . If I wanted to stay sane and sober , I had to support her and understand that we were now carrying our burdens together as life partners .
After taking a moment to relax my mind and body , I headed up the stairs , helped her out of bed , and took her hand as we walked down together . By taking a step back from the stress of everyday obligations , I had also taken a bigger step towards emotional accountability and sustainable recovery .
Always remember :
Keep moving forward . Run towards the truth . Don ’ t quit before the miracle happens .
Visit aa-intergroup . org / directory . php for a comprehensive list of online and phone-based AA meetings .
For local meetings visit tpcbennington . org or call 802-442-9700 .
March 25 , 2024 Vermont News Guide 21