MIND & BODY
a variety of powerful ways . I had seen the fruits of my labors coalesce into a beautiful life full of purpose , variety , and progression . Sadly , the effort I was channeling into the mundane , everyday aspects of my life dwarfed the work that I had put into elevating my self-esteem and spiritual wellness . As a result , the same taxing responsibilities that I had run from in the midst of my active addiction had become a different type of external distraction . I thought that I wasn ’ t worthy of enjoying life when I wasn ’ t working hard enough , and I didn ’ t know how to slow down , detach from my compulsive drive to prove myself , and restore balance to my life .
This truth was made abundantly clear when I grabbed the grocery bags out of my girlfriend ’ s car , lost my balance , dropped the food onto the ground , and fell in the dirt . As I regained my bearings , I remembered the wise words of a friend who had helped me greatly in the earliest days of my recovery :
Benjamin Lerner is a recovering addict , composer , writer , musician , and radio host . He has been sober and clean since June 13th , 2016 . In his weekly column , CLEAN , he shares his personal journey - and lessons he has learned from his life in recovery . Benjamin lives in East Arlington , Vermont .
Cold sweat fell from my forehead as I haphazardly dropped half a dozen grocery bags in my front hallway . I was six years sober , and I had just arrived home after taking my dog for a walk . My girlfriend had recently returned from the grocery store with our infant son , and she had brought back a massive haul of produce and home goods . I sprung back to my feet , dusted myself off , and walked back to her car to grab the remaining bags . It was a brisk fall day , but there was a fierce and determined fire burning within me . I had been hard at work since the break of dawn , and I had managed to complete an eclectic range of domestic tasks , professional assignments , and creative projects .
“ Sometimes the hardest work that we have to do is learning how to accept when we ’ ve done our best and it ’ s time to take a step back , rest , and recuperate . Recovery takes hard work and gives us a much fuller life – but we can ’ t pour from an empty cup , and we can ’ t be of service to others if we ’ re not taking care of ourselves .”
After grabbing the remaining food items off of the gravel and grass , I brought them into my house , put them in the refrigerator , sat down on the couch , and allowed myself to breathe and center myself . I had a lot more work to do in terms of my chores , and professional commitments , but I had finally reached a place in my life where I was no longer ashamed to be working on myself , my wellness , and my recovery before anything else .
Always remember :
Keep moving forward . Run towards the truth . Don ’ t quit before the miracle happens .
Although I was grateful to be competently handling my obligations , the fulfillment I found through my strained efforts was overshadowed by my lingering state of total exhaustion . There were many challenges that remained before the day was over , and I found myself faced with a tricky predicament : If I slowed my pace and took a moment to relax , I risked crashing , burning , and falling onto the couch in a comatose heap . At my innermost core , I felt that I did not deserve a break from the action . There was a part of me that did not know how to stand still , find peace , and heal – especially when I was feeling drained and worn .
Throughout the course of my recovery , my hard work had paid off in
Visit aa-intergroup . org / directory . php for a comprehensive list of online and phone-based AA meetings .
For local meetings visit tpcbennington . org or call 802-442-9700 .
October 21 , 2024 Vermont News Guide 23