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Are You Guilty of Keeping Score in Your Marriage? by MARK WEBB
Mark Webb is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice at Oakwood Counseling Center in Valdosta. He is the author of“ How To Be A Great Partner” and“ How To Argueproof Your Relationship.” Read more of his articles at www. TheRelationshipSpecialist. com.
Scorekeeping can be a silent killer to the connection you have with your spouse. Tit-for-tat behavior will create resentment between you and your spouse and can ultimately ruin your marriage.
“ I took the kids to ball practice and you didn’ t even notice or say thank you.”
“ I cooked every night this week. When’ s the last time you did?”
“ I said I’ m sorry last time. Now it’ s your turn.”
If any of these sound familiar, you may be caught in a relationship trap more common and more destructive than you may realize.
At first glance, it seems harmless; perhaps, even fair. You are just trying to make sure everything is fair and balanced, right? But over time, keeping track of who did what and who didn’ t will twist your connection into a game of comparison and your love into a ledger.
What Is Scorekeeping?
Scorekeeping in a relationship is the habit of mentally tracking your contributions versus your spouse’ s. Whether it is the chores of the home, your emotional involvement, the financial responsibilities, or intimacy, you keep a running tab of what you have done and how your partner is or is not doing their fair share.
Do any of these statements sound familiar:
“ I’ m the only one who ever plans our date night.”
“ You spent all weekend hunting while I handled everything here at home.”
“ You never say thank you when I clean the kitchen.”
While the desire for fairness is normal and healthy, the method can become toxic when it is rooted in your silent expectations, resentment, and conditional giving.
Keeping score can be damaging because:
• It turns your love for each other into a transaction. Affection, attention, and support will become things to be earned, not freely given. This will erode the warmth and safety that healthy relationships are built on.
• It promotes resentment towards your spouse. When you give only to get something back, you start to keep score of everything you do and nothing your partner does will feel like enough.
• It replaces partnership with competition. Instead of being a team, you start acting like opposing sides in a game where someone is always losing.
• It kills gratitude. Scorekeeping focuses on what is missing rather than what is given. You start noticing what your partner didn’ t do instead of appreciating what they did accomplish.
20 Valdosta Scene | October 2025