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Horoscope Fortunes
for the Everyday
Rennie Skeptic
by Madame Truno
Capricorn The magical pony flying through the sky,
on a magical journey to save your life, met a tragic
end, as covered on asdfnews.com
Aquarius Your vicious stalking habit will cease
today when it’s finally time to harvest your corn!
Piscis Happy Birthday this week! You will once again
win the lottery, after having to wait in the express lane
line, reaching into your wallet to take out money,
buying a ticket, scratching the scratchy-stuff off after
having your nails done, screaming loudly in happiness,
and going into the long and tedious process of
deciding what to spend the cash on. And really,
winning the lottery did get a little old after the fifth
time. Curse that Four-Leaf Clover!
Aries The world will finally have a chance to see your
creative writing abilities when your Custom License
Do not leave your trash, or messes in other Plate is approved
Smoking in the Privies
peoples camps. It's rude and forces them to
pick up things that are not theirs!!! Also, be
good, tree-hugging hippies and pocket your
cigarette butts! Love where you live and other
hippies will thank you for it!
– A raging Rennie
Taurus You have a tendency not to finish what you
sta
Gemini Your recent online purchase of a “license to
be gullible” won’t come today. Or tomorrow. Or the
next day.
Cancer You will receive a vision that the stars are
smiling upon you, then realize that it’s just a Carl’s
Junior Commercial.
Leo A virus from the website
www.TheCrazyGazette.Wordpress.com will infect your
computer, and invest all of your money in Leotards R
Us.
Virgo Nobody else enjoys your humorous comments
during movie night. Deal with it.
Libra You will be traumatized after a ferret plumber
comes to your tent to unclog your toilet.
Scorpio Will Ferrell. Don’t ask, just accept it.
Saggittarius Your late Weekly Horoscope post will
provoke panic in the streets of Manhattan.