April is the _____est Month
April is the _____est Month
“That’s good, Cody.” “Yeah, they fake some kind of paranormal attack, and then present themselves as the only
people who can help.Then they start staging other issues, seeing if you’re dumb enough to
keep paying them protection.They can also recruit that way.”
“I’m Grant.” “So you’re saying you just saved me a lot of money.”
“You look like a Cody to me. Is Dan Reardon still your local… pontiff, or whatever?” “Sure.”
“If you mean D____ don, then yes.” He nods. “This month’s rent is on me.”
“D____ don?”I say, and I do immediately regret this one. “Thanks, Dave.”We shake hands. “Who says April is the cruelest month?” I say.
“He has shed the necessary portions of her given name,” says Grant, sounding like a robot, and
they all say “He has become,” like Easter congregants pronouncing the Nicene Creed. “I do,” says Dave. “I’m a tax attorney.” He turns back towards his office, gets a step, and then
says “By the way, the hamstring is in on the bottom of the thigh, not the calf.”
“Great,” I say. “Well, tell him that Mr.Thompson has no interest in making any donations to
your charity at this time. Nor, for that matter, do I.Tell her if I or Mr.Thompson see any more
of you nerds around my property again, I will come over to whatever flop-loft you’re
currently nerding in and personally carve a T.S Eliot poem into your foreheads. Probably
‘Alfred J. Prufrock’, although I might commit to the whole ‘Waste-Land if there’s enough of
you.You can spend the rest of the year deciding which of you has to peel the skin off your
forehead so it can read ‘April is the ______est Month’ in group photos.” “What?”
“I know who you are,” says the one in the shrug.
“It’s ‘_______ is the cruelest month’,” says Grant. Cody nods.
“Am I clear?” I say.
They say “yeah,” in unison. I let Amanda’s leg drop down and take a step back. She gets up.
“Now, put the desks back the way you found them,” says Dave. I nod in agreement.
They get to it silently, me watching, while Dave goes into his office.When they’re done, I jerk
my head towards the door. Grant and Cody walk out, and Amanda is following, but Dave calls
out to her. She stops. He hands her a check. “You’re fired,” he says. She nods and walks out.
Dave locks the door behind them and turns to me. “So that was all some kind of shakedown?”
“You put your knife to her calf and threatened to cut her hamstring.That was her soleus.”
“How do you know?”
“I tore mine senior year. During the homecoming game?” He looks at me like I was supposed
to remember that. I weigh shrugging my shoulders as if to say that I couldn’t have cared less
about homecoming games back then, but I just finger-point to acknowledge his superior
anatomical knowledge. He nods and goes back to his office.
In a minute I hear him on the phone, so I take my leave.Time for breakfast anyway. UJ