The Meditations of Caius Caligulia
In any case, while I was wintering in Gaul I settled the matter of who shall have client kingship
over these Judeans.Augustus first entrusted this office to Herod, “the Great” (that an ethnarch
of a tiny corner of Our Sea could have the temerity to call himself that), whom, I am given to
understand, was not even of their tribe.Thereafter it was subdivided among a handful of this
miscreant’s sons, a few of whom were also named Herod. One of these lost the province of
Judea proper, which was given to a Roman procurator. It’s all very confusing. Just thinking of
it gives me a headache.
As it happened, one of the “great” Herod’s grandsons, named Herod Agrippa in honor of my
maternal grandfather (I’ve never mentioned him, have I? I never knew him. He was the
architect of Augustus’ victory over Mark Antony, and suitably rewarded.Augustus was wise to
graft his lineage into his own family), was fostered here in Rome. I knew him from childhood
and was friendly with him. So when he left Judea a few years ago, citing his uncle Herod
Antipas’ malfeasance as ruler of one of the other tetrarchies, I decided to restore proper order
to the land. I brought Agrippa with me to Gaul, and before I had finished with Gaeticulus, I
summoned Antipas to Lyon. He arrived, expecting to pay me tribute, which I did not accept,
as I thought it bad form to deprive a man of his inheritance and then rape his estate. Besides,
I had another matter in mind.
Using the precedence of disinheriting his older brother (Archaelus, I think it was), I removed
Antipas, and restored the whole of his grandfather’s realm to Herod Agrippa.What followed
then amused me.
The Meditations of Caius Caligulia
fellow Jews would murder him before my statue could be complete, and my will would be
thwarted. I heard this excuse with amusement, even as I credited it.The Jews are notorious
for their peculiar insistence on the universality and particularness of their deity.
Then, sensing my acquiescence (a good servant knows his master’s pleasure before the master
does), he told me another story, of what happens to Jews who misconstrue their God. He told
me of a holy man, a healer, whom some called a prophet, but whom the priests and scribes
called a blasphemer. This one claimed to be the unique voice and expression of the Judean
God, who alone could forgive all sins and restore all claims.They have a prophecy (of course
they do) of an anointed hero who will bring back their ancient glory. He was executed by the
order of our Roman procurator of Judea even though he was born in Antipas’ tetrarchy and
subject to his authority (this bit of news confirmed me in my decision to remove Antipas.What
king refused to enact Justice upon his subject?). Apparently the priests and scribes threatened
a riot if the procurator (I do not recall his name.Tiberius never spoke of Judea, and I had other
matters at the time) did not crucify him, which was promptly done.
I asked Agrippa the man’s name, and he told me (It sounded like all the other Judea names,
guttural and unlovely). I asked when this all happened, and he said about five years ago. I
smiled at him.
“That isn’t the end, is it?” I said.
“How did you know?” he said.
Herod “The Great” had made many additions to the Temple of the Judean god in Jerusalem,
refining it to a Roman taste. My request of Agrippa, which I thought entirely reasonable, was
to augment this archtitecure with an appropriate statuary devoted to my cult, as god of the
Roman world. I would like to say I did not expect Agrippa to balk, but I am familiar with the
history of this province. I know how these people are. I wanted to see if Agrippa would defend
his god.
He did more than this. He refused me, of course, in terms both abject and certain. He said that
the Jews would sooner throw their children on their swords than see even my august
personage honored in theirTemple. He said that their god had punished them for such actions,
long ago, had rewarded them for refusing to honor the Seleucids with independence before
Pompey had brought Roman justice to them. He said that if he were to agree to what I ask, his
“Who remembers the name of a criminal five years after his death? Who, unprompted, tells
me his story? His name springs forth from you like a wound, my dear Agrippa.That isn’t the
end of it.”
Agrippa closed his eyes, and praised my perspicacity. “In fact, his followers did not vanish.They
claimed that he returned from the dead, and walked among them, and now sits at God’s right
hand.They are a pestilence.”
“You fear them?”
“They have even suborned some of our own scribes! Just recently, one of the Pharisees, as