Dear People Who Put Tomatoes on Every
Goddamned Thing
Were you bullied as a child?
Do you have the kind of low self-esteem that leads you to ruin otherwise pleasant experiences with
small touches of misery, in the forlorn hope that this will make you seem Deep to others?
Is your sole reason for being on Twitter so you can report people to their Trust and Security Soviet, or
whatever the fuck their Star Chamber is called?
Do you own more than one waifu pillow?
Because I’m trying to understand why you keep persisting in adding bad food to good.
Tomatoes are repellent. I don’t care if you agree or not. They’re gross red fistulas of overripe flesh and
vile liquid and I would rather have the inside of a cyst on a sandwich.
Ever see Pink Flamingos? You know the end, where Divine eats dog crap? That’s me trying to eat a raw
tomato. I hate them like I hate hell, all Montagues, and thee.
But that’s not really the point. The point is, why do I have to get angry about it? Why do I have to
police sandwiches and other food for tomatoes in the first place? Why are they the default?
Consider the hamburger. What is necessary to have a successful hamburger? Some properly cooked
ground beef and an edible bun. Maybe some condiments if you’re in the mood.
That’s it. That’s all a hamburger requires. Two things.
Now, let’s say you like to mix your bovine products together, because you’re not Jewish, or not Jewish
enough to give a fuck about kosher law, and you have a slice of cheese on your hamburger. What’s the
term for that? Correct, a cheeseburger. And if you really want to let your arteries know where they
stand, and you add a couple slices of bacon to the mix, what’s that called? Right again, Chumley, a
bacon cheeseburger . Do you notice the pattern?