That night I went to a club . The girl on the stage couldn ’ t have been much older than my daughters . It didn ’ t matter to me . I had to meet her . Had to touch her . Had to let go of the tension that was building up in my soul . Damage myself some more . And take somebody else down with me .”
fiction
Empty Life
By Susie Finkbeiner
“
That night I went to a club . The girl on the stage couldn ’ t have been much older than my daughters . It didn ’ t matter to me . I had to meet her . Had to touch her . Had to let go of the tension that was building up in my soul . Damage myself some more . And take somebody else down with me .”
The streets at night can be a pretty dark place . I used to drive up and down on this main strip in town , hoping to find some sweet little thing . You know , to spend a little time with . A man gets lonely every once in awhile .
I ’ d find one of them walking around , peeking behind their backs , waving and smiling at me . They liked me . It was a good feeling . So , I ’ d pick her up , let her in my car . We ’ d pull around to someplace even darker for a fast little fling . Just some fun .
Nobody got hurt . I always had protection . Besides , we both needed that . I got a little special attention . She got some spending money . Win , win .
But every time , I ’ d go home and feel a little bit emptier than I did before I picked up the girl . It was a dried up , dead feeling . And whenever I thought it was the worst it could ever be , I found a deeper place to go . I discovered something more disgusting that I could do . Something that would keep things exciting .
There was always a worse way to hurt myself . And I was really good at finding out what that felt like .
The first time was about a year ago . A bunch of my buddies and me were out drinking . We stopped to pick up this group of girls . Took them back to a payby-the-hour motel and partied . I really have no idea what happened that night . Besides . Well . That .
I do remember the guys and I pooled our money together to pay them . Then they left . We weren ’ t in a good part of town . And they were young .
That was the first time I understood what it meant to hate myself . I couldn ’ t stop thinking about what we did . It made me sick . But it made me want more . I swore to myself that I wouldn ’ t let it happen again .
I failed . Once a week turned into every other day turned into every night . Sometimes twice a day . Covering it all up wasn ’ t easy . I rotated neighborhoods so that nobody recognized me . Told my wife that I had to work late . Always found a place to wash up after .
“ You missed dinner again ,” my wife said one night .
I ’ d been with a girl only half an hour before just a few blocks from my front door .
“ Yeah , sorry about that ,” I said . “ I had to lock up again .”
“ Whatever . You say that every night .” She walked out of the living room . “ I ’ m going to bed . You can heat up something from the fridge .”
“ Hey , I ’ m sorry . I already said I was sorry .”
She turned toward me . “ If you want to come to bed , you can . I miss you .”
“ I might .” I hadn ’ t even been sleeping in bed with her . “ You know I have a hard time sleeping in there .”
Really , it was just that I didn ’ t feel right being next to her . I couldn ’ t touch her without feeling so guilty . And I didn ’ t want to even think what I was doing was wrong .
“ Who are you seeing ?” she asked .
I didn ’ t answer her . I couldn ’ t . Because I didn ’ t know . There were too many . And I never asked their names .
A week later she kicked me out . Wouldn ’ t even let me say “ good-bye ” to the kids . My kids . Two girls .
That night I went to a club . The girl on the stage couldn ’ t have been much older than my daughters . It didn ’ t matter to me . I had to meet her . Had to touch her . Had to let go of the tension that was building up in my soul . Damage myself some more . And take somebody else down with me .
I drove around the slummy streets . The ones with knocked out lights and falling down houses . I had to find someone . It didn ’ t really matter who . I found a girl . She got into my car . We went back to the hotel where I was living .
After I was done with her , she got herself dressed . I stayed in the bed .
“ You gonna drive me back to the track ?” she asked .
“ I ’ m not driving you back . You just made $ 30 . Get yourself back .” “ Buses are done for the night .” “ Sounds like a problem .” “ Come on . You can ’ t drive me five miles back ?” I lit a cigarette . “ Nope .” “ So , you ’ re gonna make me walk all that way in these heels ?” She zipped up her jacket . “ Shoot , it ain ’ t safe walkin ’ around this time of night .” “ Why don ’ t you call your pimp ?” “ He ain ’ t gonna come no where to get me . What the hell you thinkin ’?”
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