PublicHouse
A SNIFF AND A SMILE
‘ I’ m in the best place ever, this is absolutely gorgeous …’
It all started when I was 14, when a young African-American approached our bench at St. Charles Park. It was our favourite spot. Every evening my mates and I would hang one side of the park to watch the girls on the other, whilst smoking the customary spliff. Except this time our dealer brought something new, something different, something white. None of us had ever tried it before. It was also double the price, so being the young libertines that we were, we each went on a mission to find more dollar bills.
We’ d all seen enough movies to know what to do with it. We divided the yeyo into perfect equal lines, and proceeded. Needless to say that line was way too big for our first line ever. We got so high the girls left the park to hide under their beds. We were loud, and we were obvious. Thanks to coke I lost my virginity, too. Not far from that day I spotted my favourite girl by herself in the park. I was like‘ hey Donna … you want a little suga?’‘ Huh?… you mean … cocaine?’ she mumbled.‘ Yeah.’‘ But … it’ s illeg – yeah ok.’ And bam! I was a man. Not that I knew what I was doing anyway, but who the fuck cares. Coke has always had my back. One day in high school, I was really anxious and loud. The teacher pulled me aside after class and told me I’ d earned a week’ s detention. And I was like‘ okay teach, BUT …. fancy a little … you know … chalk?’ Startled, he quickly tried to be mad at me but almost immediately came around.‘ Really? I … I haven’ t done that in a while …[ looks around ]… Ok … go on [ sniff ]. Thanks man.’ And bam! Only two days detention.
I had a bit of a rumble with my wife once. The neighbours got upset, police were called, yatta, yatta, yatta...‘ I know Mr. Officer, I’ m sorry, I regret everything. BY THE WAY … may I of- fer you … some … you know …[ winks ] chicken schnitzel?’‘ What?! How dare you … but … is it … you know … good stuff? Oh okay, a small one [ sniff ] but you’ re still coming with me!’ [ sniff.] And bam! Only $ 500 fine.
It even helped me in court, too. The judge wanted to sentence me to 5 years in prison just for hitting my wife.‘ She hits ME all the time!’ I argued. But his mind was made.‘ Okay your honour but would you like a little … ahem... a little caviar?’‘ Approach the bench!…[ sniff ] Okay I sentence you to [ sniff ]… 2 years in prison!’‘ Thank you your honour.’
Jail wasn ' t easy, I had to suck A LOT of dick for coke, but it got me through. When I got out all I wanted to do was to hug my wife, say I was sorry, and be with her forever. But when she saw me, she started beating me up again. There was nothing I could do anymore. I was almost dead when I said‘ You … you massive bitch … you.. want some [ coughs blood ]… you want a little … you want a little pow wow?’‘ You are so cute, I’ m sorry I was a bitch [ sniff ] thank you beb [ sniff ].’ And bam! She dropped the microwave on my head.
But it was all good. I woke up in heaven, right outside the gates. I could see St. Peter from afar. I knew that God had been on my side all this time. I reached into my pocket and I still had the coke, whiter than ever. I got to the gate but my name wasn ' t on the list. I begged St. Peter to let me in but he refused. However, you know what he didn ' t refuse? That’ s right … one in each nostril. And then he dropped me into hell. I arrived in hell and it was not even that hot. Satan comes to me:‘ Ahem … would you … like some... dandruff?’ I was home.
@ nvvmxac
Illustration by Andrea Falasca
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