A GROWING FAMILY Hillary Whittington , Marshall ' 04 , and her husband , Jeff , overcame several challenges in their early years as a family .
Photo : Bonnie Breckenridge
“ I ’ M A BOY .”
Parents hearing these words from their daughter may very well file such a statement along with all the other fanciful ideas that come from a child . They might even play along for a while , indulging in the phase until it runs its course and life returns to normal . This , after all , is what Hillary Whittington , Marshall ’ 04 , and her husband , Jeff , did upon hearing these words from the mouth of their 4-year-old daughter , Ryland . Only they had no idea the truth being told , and how much more they had to learn from their child .
The Whittingtons had already faced major challenges in their young family . At just one year old , it came to light that their daughter was deaf . The family pursued cochlear implants , and over the next four years Hillary stayed home and successfully taught Ryland to speak . Yet as soon as she could express herself , Ryland began to insist she was a boy , and elements of what her parents considered a “ tomboy phase ” rapidly reached a striking level of shame . Whittington recalls her daughter saying , “ I ’ ll wait until the family dies to cut my hair ,” and “ Why did God make me like this ?” Ultimately these behaviors intensified , and the Whittingtons prepared to come to terms with reality of having a transgender child .
“ It was a process ,” says Whittington . “ As a parent you have these images in your head about what your child ’ s life will be like , and I had to let a lot of that go , those expectations . Especially when I realized that they were hurting him .”
During their research and counseling , what especially struck the Whittingtons was a disturbing statistic : 41 percent of transgender people attempt suicide due to lack of acceptance .
“ We were not willing to take that risk ,” the family explained in a YouTube video that chronicles Ryland ’ s initial transition . The video has since garnered more than 7.7 million views since its original posting in 2014 and led to Whittington ’ s recent memoir , Raising Ryland . “ For Ryland ’ s well-being ,” the video explains , “ we were advised to allow him to transition as soon as possible .”
The family did a social transition , simply changing pronouns and allowing Ryland to get a shorter haircut and wear boys ’ clothes all of the time . The video served to inform friends , family and educators of the transition , and also asked them for support in what had been a multiple-year process of parenting Ryland with “ no strings attached .”
“ It means we allow Ryland to be who he is without expectations . We let go of our own internal thoughts of what his future should be , so he could be who he is without feeling that he needs to please us . We want him to know he ’ s loved and that he can be himself without any expectations about who he should be .”
Thanks to the understanding of his parents , Ryland ’ s story is now a success story . He has a loving family that has found support in their community and in other parents of transgender children . In all , Ryland is healthy , happy and productive .
It ’ s this last part — healthy , happy and productive — that has become the calling of another alumna , Vivienne Ming , Muir ’ 00 . Ming ’ s story is likewise one of success : a loving family , with a wife and two children , part of a thriving community in California ’ s Bay Area and a successful career with several technology and software companies .
42 TRITON | FALL 2016