except this present place and time . Do insects really have a place in the grand scheme , or are they here to just annoy me ?
Does anything except my next meal really matter ? Will I ever understand this life ? Will somewhere actually feel like home one day ? Will I ever find a place to be happy ? Will I ever be happy ? These trees are talking to each other , I wonder what they are saying ? Is this Earth talking to me now ? I ’ m sure it is . What do I have to do to hear it ? I ’ d really like to know what it ’ s saying . People always talk so much without saying anything , yet the Earth is silent , and speaks volumes of pure meaning to me . The Earth is clear , the clearest thing in the World , yet not heard .
Somehow , I snap back to the present reality . I repeat my futile attempts with the same failed results . Standing here and panting for breath , looking at this barrier , I can only ask myself ; what the fuck am I doing here ? Why am I doing this to myself ? I paid for this ? This is my time off work ? What is wrong with me ?
Finally recognising this barrier for what it is , destroys me . No matter how much I want this , I will not have it today . I can ’ t do it . I won ’ t succeed . I am a failure . I ride back down the rocky trail , and around The Hill , on the tarmac like Walter . The whole race is lost for me in this moment and all objectivity disappears from me in the extreme fatigue .
Back at the Bivi I can ’ t look the other riders in the eye . I skip the briefing and request room service alone in my
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