Good behaviour and pet hates
Some of our children lead double lives in terms of their personal behaviour.
Jim Hollian- Education Consultant, Teacher and Leadership Training, retired Head Teacher
Some of our children lead double lives in terms of their personal behaviour. The child who is a‘ little angel’ at school can be the proverbial demon at home.
This is largely due to home and school applying different, and sometimes conflicting standards and expectations for the child. This can cause confusion and anxiety for the child, the parent, and yes, even the teacher! Sometimes the reverse of this can often create problems.
I remember when I was a Headteacher, we had a year six boy who had become very aggressive and anti-social at playtime. We had tried several strategies and I asked
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Mum would she lend her support as we monitored his behaviour and sanctioned if and when required. She spoke to her son that night and returned to me the next day a distraught and snivelling 11 year old who looked both admonished and terrified. I was amazed at his change of attitude and asked, as I thanked her, how she had brought about this transformation.“ Oh” she said,“ It was no problem. I just told him that if he didn’ t behave for you I would kill his guinea pig”( I promise this is true).
Although this threat had the desired result, I would never suggest it is a good strategy to traumatise an individual. Children, more than anything else, need consistency, and this incident led me to arrange and deliver many training courses for the parents of our school on how to improve your child’ s behaviour and your management of it. There are several things we can do to achieve this aim …
• Find out how the school deals with behaviour and apply similar approaches in terms of your expectations, golden rules and sanctions
• Never blame the child – blame the action instead( if a child feels that they are horrible, cruel, nasty or wicked, they will be)
• Develop set routines and stick to them
• Praise regularly and often, even for the tiniest things(“ Well done Robert, you blew your nose beautifully then”)
• Apply appropriate sanctions and stick to them. Do what you say you will do and be consistent
• Explain the rule( children can usually tell you what they should be) and give children a get out clause or choice …“ You’ ve got ten minutes to tidy this room or you will go to bed early with lights off – it’ s up to you”
• Set small targets and remember that some changes have to be made gradually and progressively
• Practice what you preach in terms of behaviour standards, children are wonderful at spotting contradictions
• After applying a sanction, make friends, your relationship with your child is the most precious possession you have.
Finally, if you are having a hard time in terms of your child’ s behaviour get in and talk to your school. It is staffed by experts who have seen it all before and can offer strategies and support and maybe even a cup of tea. Remember, your school want exactly what you want, the very best for your child. We all want to be better parents but sometimes we need a few tips and a little advice. There is no shame in that.
So the key messages are, Support and be supported by your school and leave that guinea pig alone!