The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his
attorney.
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and
no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win
money gambling.. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’
I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a
demonstration?’ The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go
ahead.’ Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite
my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite
my other eye.’
collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the “Balls” to say:
‘You’re next, Chubby.’ Both have same result. Sudden death.
One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to
his sweet, albeit ditzy blonde young wife, “The Artificial Insemination
man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail
into the two-by-four above the cow’s stall so you can show him
where it is, okay?”
The Artificial Insemination man arrives. Suzy takes him down the
long row of cows until she sees the nail, and tells him, “This is the
one. This one right here!”
“How did you know this is the cow to be bred?” the A.I. guys asks
curiously to the ditzy cute blonde.
“By the nail over her stall,” Suzy says proudly.
Then the man asks, “What’s the nail for?”
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Well, duh, I reckon’ it’s to hang your pants on.”
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned
auditor now realize s he has wagered and lost three grand, with
Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
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‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and
pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop
anywhere in between.’
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt,
so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although
he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket
on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s
desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major
loss into a huge win.
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation
was sitting in their pews talking.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for William who sat calmly in
his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s
ultimate enemy was in his presence..
So Satan walked up to William and said, ‘Do you know who I am?’
William replied, ‘Yep, sure do.’
‘Aren’t you afraid of me?’ Satan asked.
‘Nope, sure ain’t.’ said the calm as a clam William.
But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
‘Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?’ asked Satan.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
‘Don’t doubt it for a minute,’ returned William, in an even tone.
‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me
he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand
dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and
that you’d literally be happy about it!’
‘Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for
all eternity? stated Satan.
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Guts-Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met
by your wife with a broom, & having the “Guts” to ask: “Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?” Balls-Is coming home late
after a night out with the lads, reeking of perfume w/lipstick on your
‘Yep,’ was the calm reply. ‘And you are still not afraid?’ asked Satan.
‘Nope,’ said William.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ‘Why aren’t you afraid of
me?’
William calmly replied, “been married to your sister for over 40 years
now”.
Thunder Roads Magazine® Oregon 17