During a visit to my doctor , I asked him , “ How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Nursing Home ?”
“ Well ,” he said , “ we fill up a bathtub , then we offer a teaspoon , a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub .”
“ Oh , I understand ,” I said . “ A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup .”
“ No ” he said . “ A normal person would pull the plug . Do you want a bed near the window ?” --------------------------------------------------------------- Bubba was taking a dump and checking out FB and read that on average ; an American man will have sex two to three times a week . Whereas , a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year . This was very upsetting news to Bubba .
He immediately called his best buddy , Earl , and said , “ I know you ’ re going to be as shocked as I was , but I just come to find out that I ’ m Japanese .” -------------------------------------------------------------- The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a patient who ’ s just flew out and over the Cuckoo ’ s Nest . --------------------------------------------------------------- The other day my kinda ’ ditzy neighbor with green hair ( she changes it every month ), came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy ! No judgement . it ’ s just her “ thang ”.
I didn ’ t know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought , “ what the hell ”, and I starting jumping up and down along with her as that ’ s just the best way to pacify her . She said , “ I have some really great news !” I said , “ Great . Tell me why you ’ re so happy .” She really is enthusiastic and sweet . She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down , told me that she was pregnant . I knew she ’ d been trying for a while so I told her , “ That ’ s great I couldn ’ t be happier for you !” Then she said , “ There ’ s more ” I asked , “ What do you mean there ’ s more ?”. She said , “ Well , we are not having just one baby . We are going to have TWINS !” Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant , I asked her how she knew . She said .... “ Well , that ’ s the easy part . I went to WallyWorld and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack . Both tests came out positive !” --------------------------------------------------------------- The teacher asked the class to use the word
“ fascinate ” in a sentence .
Molly put up her hand and said , “ My family went to my granddad ’ s farm , and we all saw his pet sheep . It was fascinating .”
The teacher said , “ That was good , but I wanted you to use the word ‘ fascinate ,’ not ‘ fascinating ’.”
Sally raised her hand . She said , “ My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated .”
The teacher said , “ Well , that was good Sally , but I wanted you to use the word ‘ fascinate ’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand , but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before . She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “ fascinate ,” so she called on him .
Johnny said , “ My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons , but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight !”
The teacher sat down and put her head on her desk .