Thunder Roads LA/MS July 2019 - Page 34

Picked up a hitch-hiker. Seemed like a nice guy. After a few miles down the road he asked me if I wasn’t afraid that he might be a serial killer? I told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the exact same car was extremely unlikely. -------------------------------------------------------------- A teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer after listening to her parents telling her that at her age there were no high paying jobs for being on social media practically all day long and she needed to go back to “old school” tactics, decided to hire herself out as a “handy gal”. She started in a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She knocked on the very first door and asked the owner if he had any “handy gal” jobs for her to do. “Well, I guess we could use someone to paint the porch”, he said. “How much will you charge me?” Delighted, the girl quickly said “How about $50. bucks?” The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she needed was in a corner of the garage. The man’s wife, whom had overhead the conversation asked her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “That’s a bit cynical isn’t it?”. The wife quickly agreed by say- ing, “You’re right, my gosh, I guess I’ve just heard too many stories from the neighborhood Moms”. Later that day the girl came to the door again to collect her money. “Wow, finished already?” the husband asked. “Yes” she replied, “and I even had enough paint to give it two coats.” Impressed the man reached into his pocket and pulled out a $50. bill, along w/ a $20. for a tip. The girl thanked him and said to please refer his friends, and turning away casually stated, “Oh, and by the way, it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.” -------------------------------------------------------------- Paddy & Mick are in the Pub talking about their sex life when Paddy boasts “The wife and me we get it on like rabbits almost every night”. “You lucky turd” replies Mick, “I only get it once a month, and then I call it ‘The Bruce Lee’ night”. Paddy quickly asks, “Why the hell do you call it that then?” Mick leans back in his barstool and says very seriously, “Aye, because it’s the only night I enter the dragon”!! -------------------------------------------------------------- Sex Education Class: Teacher: Tell me the differ- ence between a Callgirl, Girlfriend and Wife. Lil’ Joey yells out, “That’s easy....Prepaid, Postpaid and Unlimited. 32 Thunder Roads® Magazine LA/MS Gulf Coast | July 2019 | Pregnancy Q&A (in case you were wondering) Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is definitely enough. Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he graduates. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex? A: Childbirth. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational. A: So, what’s your question? Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word ‘alimony’ doesn’t give you great concern. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper really fast! Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel normal again? A: Remove the word ‘normal’ from your vocabulary. --------------------------------------------------------------- Paddy has broken his leg and Mick comes round to check on him. “Aye, says Paddy, I’m glad you’re here. Go grab my slippers upstairs will ya’ then, my fookin’ feet are freezing”. Mick goes upstairs and passes the open door of Paddy’s twin daughters home visiting whom partied hard the night before, lying in bed barely awake. Mick quickly says, “Your Dad sent me up here to have sex with the both of you then”. The one says, “Get out with ya’, prove it”. Mick yells down, Paddy, both of them?” Paddy yells back, “Of course both of them, what’s the point of fookin’ one?!” | July 2019 | Thunder Roads® Magazine LA/MS Gulf Coast 33