Southern Cops Have A Way With Words….
These are actual comments made by South
Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car
videos:(read w/ a slow, southern drawl)
1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder
than the one you just went through.”
2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re
new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make
your birth certificate a worthless document.”
4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?
Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be
chasing you.”
6. “You had no idea how fast you were going? I
guess that means I can write anything I want to on
the ticket, huh?”
7. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warn-
ing you not to do that again or I’ll give you another
ticket.”
8. “The answer to this question will determine
whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a
cat or a dog?”
9. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a
place where you pay to go on scary rides, eat cot-
ton candy & corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”
10. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say
you had?”
11. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We
used to, but now we’re allowed to write a”s many
tickets as we can.”
12. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is
a personal friend of yours so you actually know
someone who can post your bail.”
And The Winner Is….
13. “You thought we didn’t give pretty women
tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”
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I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a big
smile on her face this morning.
Long story short, I’m not allowed to have Sharpies
in the house anymore.
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Way back in the woods, a redneck’s wife went into
labor in the middle of the night and the local Mid-
wife was called out to perform delivery. Since there
was no electricity, the Midwife handed the soon to
be father a lantern and she said “Here, hold this
high so I can see what I’m trying to do”. Soon, a
baby boy was brought into the world.
(cont’d.)
32 Thunder Roads® Magazine LA/MS Gulf Coast | February 2019 | www.thunderroadslams.com
“Whoa, hold up there Daddy, don’t be in such a
dang rush to put that lantern down.....I think I
see another one ready to come out.” Sure enough,
within minutes the father a new baby girl. The Mid-
wife shouted out, “Oh lawdy, do not put that lantern
down.....seems there’s yet another one in there!”
The daddy scratched his head, obviously bewil-
dered, and asked the Midwife, “Wow Doc, do you
think it might be the light that’s attractin’ em?”
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His actual legal name was Bubba and he was from
Tennessee. He needed a loan so he walked into a
bank in New York City. He told the Loan Officer he
was going to Paris for an annual “Good Ole’ Boy
Festival” for 2 weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.
but that he was not a customer of the bank.
The Loan Officer told him that the bank would
require security for the loan so Bubba handed over
the keys to a new Ferrari 488 Spider, fully loaded,
parked out front of the bank. Bubba also handed
over a folder with the cars registration and clear
title. The loan officer was very apologetic about
having to charge 12% interest since he wasn’t an
actual account holder. Bubba nodded and the loan
officer crisply stated “the bank must do what we
must do”.
After Bubba left the loan officer was bragging to all
the rest of the bank’s staff and the bank President
about the transaction and they were all laughing
like crazy how an authentic ‘Bubba from the South’
had put up a beast of a machine with a base price
of over $300k for a mere $5k loan. The bank Presi-
dent authorized the Ferrari to be taken to the bank’s
private underground garage facility.
Two weeks later Bubba walks up to the loan offi-
cer’s desk, throws down 5 crisp thousand dollar bills
and the $23.07 in interest. The loan officer looked
up and stated “Sir, we Googled you and discovered
you’re actually a multi-millionaire with business
interests all over the world. What puzzled all of us
is why you would even bother to borrow a mere five
thousand dollars?”. Bubba looked him square in the
eye and replied, “Where else in New York City can
I park my Ferrari for only $23.07 and know for sure
it will be there when I return?”. The loan officer just
stood there was his mouth hanging open and Bubba
threw a comment over his shoulder as he was leav-
ing, “A good ole’ boy gotta’ do what he gotta do”.
Note * Just becuase they talk really slow and with a
certain twang, does not by any means indicate they
are stupid.
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I asked the sales clerk where the “Self-Help” section
was at my local book store and she said if she told
me it would defeat my entire purpose.
www.thunderroadslams.com | February 2019 | Thunder Roads® Magazine LA/MS Gulf Coast
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