The Pirates of Hell or Whatever
H
Zeke Jarvis
ell is supposed to be this place where there’s
justice and stuff. Where bad people suffer
through bad things so that the universe gets
evened out. You’d think that the worst people
would have the worst stuff happen to them,
but that’s not what happens at all. There’s no justice or
whatever in Hell. And I know that sounds stupid, but, it’s
just that Satan’s always totally favoring the pirates, which
is lame. Plus, I think I’ve been turned into a teenaged girl.
I know, you’re hearing me say “I think,” and you’re like:
WTF?, but the thing is that there are no mirrors in Hell, and
all the water is just boiling pitch or whatever, so I can’t even
see myself, really, and everyone’s voice sounds the same in
Hell because of all the brimstone. But I have these little, like,
nubby boobs or something. I guess I kind of had boobs when
I died, because I was this fat old guy, but, these are different,
and I definitely have a vaj. I’ve checked it out, believe me. I
always thought I’d look like I did when I died when I got
here. Well, really, I guess I didn’t really think that I’d be
here, or that there was anything, but here I am, I guess.
But I was talking about the pirates. They can just run
around and do whatever. Like this one pirate that broke into
the cafeteria and dumped boiling fat all over my BFF, Louise
(her name was Brandon in life, and s/he’s in Hell for stealing
money from old people in the nursing home s/he worked
for), and Satan didn’t do anything at all to him. That’s total
bullshit. And I went to talk to Satan about it, because, like, if
there’s no justice in Hell, then where is there? So, I go into his
office, and I told Satan what happened, and he was just all,
“Yeah, I’ll look into it”, but you totally know that he won’t
do anything. I asked him why he doesn’t do anything to the
pirates, but he just looked at me and told me that one of my
mice was getting away, like that’s my fault or something.
Oh, yeah, the mice. For embezzling, my punishment is to
have all these mice eating my body for eternity. I guess the
mice symbolize me or the people I cheated or whatever. I try
not to think about it all that much. But that was still just a
shitty thing for him to say when I was looking for answers.
So I was walking out of Satan’s office, and of course I
run into one of those stupid pirates, and he’s just looking at
me th