Written by Jacqueline Walker-Johnson
entered the house. I asked my husband if someone came into the house
while I was not there, but he said I was talking nonsense. My unease
grew stronger, and I could not sleep at nights. I asked God to show me
what was not so evident. I was almost trying to bargain with him, telling
him that he knew I had done everything he wanted me to do. I did not
have sex before marriage (I waited until I was 29, imagine that, it is not
an easy feat), I was a good wife etc. Not too long after, I got a text from
someone pretending to be my friend who informed me of my husband’s
infidelity. She had all the facts. Of course when I asked my husband about
it he denied everything, and wanted me to believe that it was someone
who was jealous. Even with the “evidence” I had, I gave him the benefit
of the doubt, and found myself once again trying to convince myself that
my mind was playing tricks on me. This was partially because of what we
were doing together as husband and wife. We bought property on which
we were going to build a home, yet it something deep inside, (God) was
telling me “Girl, you better open your eyes” and so I did just that.
I happened to be on Facebook one day and coincidentally I was looking
through the comments of a particular post and there was the young lady
who had texted me. A little voice told me to check her profile page. I
resisted until good sense prevailed, and I looked and there I saw a picture
of her in Trinidad the same week that my husband had visited there also.
At this point everything became clear. I questioned him while anger and
hurt overwhelmed me. In the midst of me questioning him, he told me that
I could not have children and that he no longer wanted to be with me. I
thought to myself maybe he did not mean it, after all we were both angry.
I went up to him and I said “Do you really mean that?” Once again I was
looking for an excuse which I did not get. He replied saying the same
thing and further reinforced that he did not want to be with me. I later
found out that he had started having affairs as soon as 3 years after we
got married.
Although I informed him that all my money was spent on the IVF process,
he forced me to move out of the apartment we lived in as our matrimonial
home. Clearly I did not know my rights at the time because I was literally
begging him not kick me out. He agreed to pay the rent for an apartment
he found for me, but that did not last long because soon after he refused to
continue paying, and I had to move to another place on my own.
I went through an extremely traumatic period, alone, basically at rock
bottom and starting all over from scratch.
I had next to nothing. Imagine sleeping on only a sheet on the floor after
being thrown out of your matrimonial home. I went to counselling and I
found my strength. It took some time, but I found my peace after all of the
hurt. I went back to concentrating on myself. At this time I was 40 years
old. I returned to school (earning my 1st degree) and refocused on me
because all of my marriage had been about him and his career. I started
a tutoring business while working full time. I now tutor grade 5 and 6
students, and I sort of treat them as my own for the period of time they are
with me. I sometimes find myself thinking of them as the children I could
have had. Of course I questioned God in my journey of re-discovering
myself and without a doubt I received the peace that I needed. I am now
helping women who are going through some of the things that I have been
through - infertility, divorce, finding themselves and their strength in the
middle of what they are going through and my life is just so fulfilling.
After not hearing from my ex-husband for a time, he reached out to me
saying that he wanted us to reconcile and is asking for my forgiveness.
I have forgiven him to the point where we sometimes spend time together
but I have no plans of reconciliation.
TBWM: How did you move beyond the hurt, find the heart to forgive
and allow him in your space? What are the benefits that you found by
forgiving him?
ROSE: It was a miracle, and I owe everything to God for allowing me
to not feel anger at this point. It has to be a miracle. Everyone is amazed
because they saw what I went through and I thank God every day. I am
back to the person I was before I met him. I lost weight (I was 170llbs),
I look great, and I sleep better, even my ex-husband is amazed at my
transformation. I am no longer lethargic, nor complacent about anything
in life. I am back to who I used to be and I welcome my old self. The only
drawback is that I have built a wall around me where relationships are
concerned, but I do not worry about that because perhaps I need that now.
Now is the time for healing in every way imaginable and in time the walls
will be broken down by the right person.
Parting words
One of the things my counsellor told me was that I made my husband
my all, putting myself on the back burner so that he could do the things
he wanted to do. While we have to be supportive of our spouse, it should
not be to the point of losing ourselves. My encouragement to women is -
work on you, do not forget the woman you are called to be and quietly find
the time to talk to God and ask him for directions. Everyone will want to
give advice but ultimately it is God that we should look to. Focus on God
and allow him to direct you. Whatever you are going through, do not keep
it in, find someone to talk to.
Today when women call me for encouragement, I understand exactly why
I went through what I did. I believe giving mental and spiritual support to
others is one of my callings. I am enrolling to do my MSc in Psychology
to help me to become professionally qualified in this area. It is something
I have been delaying, but it is definitely a direction I know I am being sent
in by the one who truly knew me before he formed me in my mother’s
womb.
…and so she rose, and her life is more than she could imagine because
her gift of selflessness is being channelled to all the people she has helped
while she herself has been healing.
T h e B e y o n d Wo m a n M a g a z i n e
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