14
To my best friend:
Even as I stand here at the end of the world writing this, I am struggling with this decision.
I do not want to leave you.
But then again, this was never my choice.
So here I stand at the end of the world, tears running down my face and onto this paper.
I hope you will still be able to read it.
But then again, I suppose I will never know.
I’m here at the end of the world by a sickening twist of fate. I caused it, unknowingly. I never meant for it to happen; I only wanted to tell you how I felt. But changing time has disastrous consequences.
I will never see you again.
I know that for a fact, and it hurts my heart every time I remember.
For all I know, you might never get this letter. I leave it only as a last resort, a way of finding some sort of closure with myself, to trick my mind into believing that I didn’t abandon you.
I’m sorry.
I hope you worked it out with that girl. I hope she will love and protect and cherish you as much as I do.
No, as much as I did. I cannot afford to let thoughts of you weigh me down in this unfamiliar, colorless place.
Everything is grey. Dilapidated. Broken.
And soon I will be too.
That is as far as I wish to describe the end of the world.
Don’t concern yourself with me. Don’t call for me, don’t look for me, don’t think of me. Don’t think of me. I beg you, if our friendship meant anything to you, get rid of this letter once you have read it. Forget about it. Forget about me. Anything otherwise can only hurt you, push deeper inside you as a thorn does when you pluck a rose. I hope you will be able to let go. I can only wish that I can do the same. If this feels like betrayal, fine. Let all your feelings for me turn into great big pyres of anger and hatred. It will only break my heart if you do this, so for the health of your future, I advise you to do so. But the fire must eventually die, otherwise I will still be in your thoughts, though as the object of your worst nightmares. That’s alright, but you need to get rid of me. Trust me, I know you too well. (I knew you too well.) You will not be able to sustain those flames of anger and hatred. The calming cooling waters of forgiveness and regret will flow in and extinguish them and that is what I am worried about. Don’t give in. Don’t keep memories of me in the hope that I will one day return. I can never return. Don’t remember me. It will only split you into at least two pieces, and if I have ever known you, then I know that you will try to find me.
unforgiving; it brought me here, and if you think for one second it will help you find me, you are wrong. It is spiteful and denying, and it will fling you to some far-off part of the universe where we will be farther apart than ever before.
Leave me this last image of you: that you will grow up and find your love and live your dream and be content. You must live twice the life you ever planned to, because now you are not just living for yourself- you are also living for me. Do everything you ever hoped to do and more; experience life’s thrills. Grow old. Become so rich you can afford to be lazy. Do something with your life that I can be proud of. And maybe, just maybe, you will be so remembered that I might find a glimpse of you in this cold, devastated world. Your name on a fallen billboard. Or your face playing over and over on a broken television. There is so much here of what could have been. I am one of them. I no longer exist where I came from. There is no reason for me to cross your mind.
You will cross mine, it is sure, but I am taking precautions. I will leave my bracelet, twin to yours (remember how the bullies teased you for it being too girlish?) on this rock, on which I am currently sitting. I will leave it there, for I can not afford for it to be a part of me any longer. There is one other thing that I must leave behind, no matter how much it splinters my entire being to do so: that picture of you that I took at the lake, the one where a bird landed on my head and wouldn’t leave and you were laughing, just laughing, that beautiful, wonderful smile, and I captured it for the world to have until the end of time.
Until the end of time.
It is fitting to leave it here after all. Perhaps this is where it was meant to end up, a spark of color among the monotonous grey.
I will leave it here, not only for myself, but to provide hope for anyone that follows.
In my heart I know there will be no others.
Only myself.
It is time for me to go.
Goodbye.
I love loved you
From the End of the World
Atsuko Tanaka
*based off of the song “From the closed world” from the album Owari no Hoshi no LOVESONG by Maeda Jun and Yanagi Nagi