The Wykehamist
anonymity, but because I simply do not know him) decided to distil an alcoholic vodkalike beverage for his lucky VBk set. The set was told to take a beaker each and to form an orderly queue. I would imagine they quite enjoyed their little treat. Some came back for seconds – how they managed to get more alcohol despite their don knowing who they were is beyond my understanding. Nowadays, the chemistry department has containers of ethanol( that’ s the specific alcohol that people can drink without the risk of death – well …), but the substance contains a poison which is both potent and undetectable, in order to prevent pupils trying their hand. It is also nearly impossible to separate from the ethanol. Either way, I wouldn’ t try it. That being said, I would imagine it is possible to synthesise ethanol from other compounds using what is available in the lab, however, the yields are low, the side products are carcinogenic, and I will certainly be sued for disseminating a recipe for alcohol to minors. So I won’ t.
His articles on Winkies are a good, fresh read as well, not least because he has a knack for ratting people out. Whether it be JWC for attempting to begin a frankly nonsensical chant:“ Stanley Askew: his name is a tool!”, George Bowder( B, 2020-) for not hotting so much against Luke Edwards( K, 2021-) as raspingly breathing, or myself for supporting OTH( it’ s a long story), the banter is greatly appreciated. Furthermore, I really like his style – it’ s informative, descriptive and professional.
I wish him, and any future writers for The Wykehamist, all the best in their endeavours.
Dear Editors,
Yours faithfully, Felix Edmondson( Coll: 2020-)
First and foremost, I’ m confused as to why I am calling you“ Editors”, despite knowing exactly who you are, what you do, and, regrettably, the precise coordinates of your home( don’ t worry— I have no intention of sending you another letter or any other nefarious item). I do hope no one notices this familiarity, as it would be terribly awkward for all involved. Then again, perhaps this is the sort of artificial detachment that we are obliged to perform in print, such as calling your dormmates“ Mr” when everyone knows you slept in the same room in first year.
Secondly, thank you for giving Quelle the pride of place in your previous issue of The Wykehamist. We do appreciate the spotlight, even if it feels a tad like being congratulated by a wax museum for being lively. I also must mention, before I tear your magazine to pieces, that I enjoyed reading the magazine— truly! I really admire your revival of The Wykehamist, and it’ s always good to have some competition, so that I can justify harsher hours for my writers. Nothing motivates like rivalry, especially when we’ re poised against a magazine last sighted in the archives nestled between a picture of a Don riding a Penny Farthing and a set of WW1 weapon schematics.
However, I must register my formal disagreement with the tone of the featured article. It’ s all well and good to write about Quelle’ s“ contemporary success” and“ inexhaustible devotion,” but I fear your correspondent has made the classic mistake of falling in love with his own legacy whilst still alive. Additionally, Quelle is not some quirky alternative— Quelle is the institution now. If The Wykehamist is the yin to our yang, then it might be time to accept that yin has had a very, very long nap— something that Quelle would never dream of.( Please see Quelle Edition Minus One, where I collate the history of Quelle. We have never missed a term, let alone a year – not even during lockdown).
I was particularly moved by the repeated insistence by Felix that he is not giving up the Rant. There’ s something charmingly autocratic about a man refusing to vacate the throne because, in his words,“ I simply do not know who could live up to the legacy.” Our reporters( unbound by time and place) tell me that Roman emperors said the same thing, just before being stabbed by someone in a toga. Of course, I love Felix’ s commitment. However, I’ ve found that the moment you declare yourself irreplaceable, the universe gets very excited to prove you wrong.
Quelle’ s true power lies in its refusal to take anything— including itself— too seriously. This is not a solely stylistic choice; it is a political one. In order to truly represent and voice the people, Quelle dares to be slightly messy and sharp: not polishing their articles and speeches to fit societal norms but rather keeping their articles exactly how the authors intended. This( hopefully) allows the true ideas and thoughts of the public to form
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