Growing old( er)... disgracefully
HOW TO( REALLY) SWITCH OFF
“ I doomscrolled for four hours last night,” admits Sven, sitting on my therapy couch in despair.“ I wanted to chill, but picked up my phone and was up till 4am.” Sven has dark rings under his eyes.“ Insta, Facebook, porn, shopping, you name it,” he groans,“ I just can’ t turn off.”
Sven is not alone. According to Ofcom( November 2024) we Britons spend an average of four hours and twenty minutes a day online: a quarter of our waking hours. Plus, Brits are online longest in Europe – even beating the Germans and Swiss.
On the train back from London I look around me at the crammed carriage. Nearly everyone is head down, peering at their devices. No eye contact, no looking out at the countryside, no conversation – no flirting even.
We think we are keeping in touch, helping ourselves be efficient and getting things done. Sadly, we are just winding ourselves up further and further by our devotion to screens. We’ re also addicted to the adrenaline rush. Johan Hari’ s book, Stolen Focus( Bloomsbury), is a great example of the agonies of digital detoxing and a great summer read.
“ So how else can I relax?,” asks Sven, in despair.“ I try lying on the sofa watching rubbish TV- plus I do yoga”, he explains,“ but I’ m constantly checking my phone.” I ask if he could turn it off completely? Put it away for an evening? He looks horrified. Our need for hyperconnectivity is a national addiction. Paradoxically, we are feeling increasingly lonely and isolated nonetheless.
“ OK,” I say,“ Let’ s brainstorm.” We come up with things that might really relax him: a swim, a run, a game of frisbee, a gym workout, walking a friends’ dog, dancing to a fave track.“ Without your phone in hand?” I challenge. Sven looks perplexed.“ Really?”
Clearly, Sven is finding it hard to think of an evening without checking in, texting, scrolling. Yet, research shows once we begin to turn off and reconnect with ourselves, our environment, and others, we really start relaxing. Otherwise our adrenalised way of life is literally wearing us out( another good read: Dopamine Nation by Dr Anna Lembke).
Sven comes in next week, beaming.“ I got through a week without socials,” he says triumphantly.“ Man, did I sleep better. I felt I could breathe and fall asleep more easily. I hope I can keep it up.” So do I. It’ s a real job to be vigilant against the addictive pull to scroll – but it can be done with a bit of effort and awareness.
If you want to really relax and chill, this summer, try the following:
• Give yourself a digital break a least once a day – an hour is good; try going out for a meal or coffee without it on the table;
• Try and watch a film or read a book without checking your phone;
• Do some colouring in or drawing;
• Go birdwatching;
• Declutter drawers and cupboards;
• Go for a walk in the woods or downs, or walk by the sea, phoneless;
• Try looking out the window of a car or train journey and just watch things go by;
• Ban devices from the bedroom – and turn off screens two hours before bed;
• Have more physical activity – walk fast, run, garden, have sex, dance, play, sing, laugh;
• Trying talking to people face to face rather than online.
l Check out my book Two Minutes to Sleep( Quercus)
Photographer: Lynn Herrick
Andrew Clover is The Man Who Says“ Yes”. This week, Andrew says“ Yes” to... Love
I
was married 20 years, which kills any sense you might be lovable – the way lust is killed by a late night chat of who’ s picking up the kids. Having divorced, though, I saw an advert for E-Harmony. Are you looking for love? I said, yes … and felt like a Mediaeval king as, to a press of a button, hundreds of women appeared – half dressed, and waving drinks – an amazing education into prejudice. I don’ t like botox, I found. Or people who snap themselves waving drinks in far off resorts. Or lycra.( I think even Charlize Theron could look unsexy, in lycra, and a helmet with a plastic clip).
Who do I like- I thought- that I actually know? And was drawn to a rich Facebook friend, who ran eco-retreats in the Caribbean. Might she – I asked – help with my dream, to find ruined rainforest to rewild? Might I – she riposted – like to meet? We did – whereupon she proposed, a different kind of rewilding might occur. We fell in love. But if we wanted to be truly eco, I proposed, we should sail the Atlantic – since each person flying to the Caribbean makes 3 tonnes of CO2. We paid our deposit to sail. She chucked me the next day. And when I next looked at Facebook, she was inviting 20 guests, to pay two grand each, to fly out to her next retreat( making 40 grand / 60 tonnes of CO2). In love, I learned, people don’ t wish to change( particularly if they’ ll lose cash).
Having sailed home, months later, my next love swayed towards me, at a party.‘ You’ re very fit!’ she gushed, squeezing my arm, refilling my drink, looking up, lips open.‘ When I take MDMA,’ she explained next morning,‘ I really like to kiss people.’ A remarkably candid woman, she lived for sexual exploration.‘ I love you!’ she told me, a month later, apparently surprised by herself,‘( normally I go for unavailable men).’ I thought she was saying this was exciting new territory for her – a man who was available. But we had our biggest row, when she said she was overwhelmed, so I questioned why she was arranging a party for a guy who was so unavailable he was married with kids.‘ Are you jealous?’ she asked. I was a bit uneasy, I explained – but perhaps, she, me, the unavailable guy, and his wife, might all meet for dinner? And the dinner went well, though I suggested we go home at 11 pm, which she thought early. She chucked me next day.
Polyamory exists, I learned – even for people who’ ve not signed up for it. Looking at social media later- for the first time in a year- it was no surprise I got uneasy, I learned. Unavailable guy had starred in 20 posts; I’ d been in the background of one.
But my love loved canal boats, and inspired my latest move, to a boat, by the Thames, where I am writing now – feeling joyously connected to each duck, each tree, each smiling swimmer. After six months, I kissed one who was spiritual and calm. It seemed perfect. Modern love seemed like manic madness-(‘ Oh my God, that was AMAZING!’)- I didn’ t want someone to complete me. I wanted a companion, who made life 5 % happier. But you can’ t insist others lower expectations too. A week ago, I returned tired, wired, after 2 weeks away, helping parents move. She chucked me next day.‘ I don’ t feel romantic!’ she said.‘ I can’ t be a girlfriend! I want to be with God!’
I can’ t compete with God, I thought( though I give a better massage). I felt surprised how, this time, I felt light as a bubble. I’ m with Jung, who says we feel lost and uneasy, which we blame on our lovers( our shadows)- but in meditation, we can find joyous connection with the spirit that’ s in each leaf, each duck. I am loveable, I now know. In time, I’ ll find love again. But for now, I’ m saying yes, to a long wait. www. andrew-clover. com