Growing old( er)... disgracefully
Marnie is sitting forward on her chair, bent over like a hairpin.“ I hate my body”, she says with a sneer,“ I never look in the mirror”. I see in front of me a really lovely 29-year old, but I know better than to say anything flattering.
Experience – and wrinkles – has told me that we can only really like ourselves from within, from the inside out. So if someone has a fixed idea that they don’ t like themselves – and how they look – it’ s a delicate therapeutic job to start building self-esteem and confidence. But there’ s no point in being reassuring.
I always say if you eat an elephant you need to start with a little toenail. You can’ t consume the whole thing in one gulp. I ask Marnie to name some parts of her body that she can tolerate. She grimaces. Then thinks.
“ I quite like my knees”, she says. There’ s a sudden smile.“ And the colour of my hair”. Marnie has cascades of chestnut curls and is simply lovely.“ Yes, and I like my hands actually”. We’ re getting somewhere. Slowly.
“ Great”, I say, encouraged. We are making progress.“ And what do you like about you? Which quality are you most proud of? `” Marnie frowns.“ I know there’ s lots to choose from”, I say. And she laughs. I’ m not being sarcastic.
“ I’ m a hard worker”, she says,“ And a loyal friend”. We are getting somewhere. Marnie unfolds her body and sits back, more relaxed. We go on to make a list of her five top qualities – as a person. She’ s kind, she loves music, she’ s a dancer. Interestingly, she is able to list a few more things she likes about her body as we go on, too. One of the things about building selfesteem and confidence is to take it slow. Many of us have been bullied, put-down, compared unfavourably. We can internalise this and constantly attack ourselves as a consequence.
I’ ve learned that we need to keep catching our negative, self-attacking thoughts, like black butterflies, and pop them in the jar. Slam the lid on, and keep them down.
Then replace them with something more life-enhancing and positive. It doesn’ t have to be OTT. Something the developmental psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott taught us is we only need to be“ Good Enough” not“ Perfect”.
The cult of perfection is one of the things that is driving us all to distraction. It can also lead us to turn our faces cosmetically into the Bride of Wildenstein as we try and perfect( unsuccessfully) what nature gave us.
Learning to love ourselves – warts and all – is the name of the game. Starting with catching the black butterflies of self-destruction is a good place to start. It’ s the same as ending
a bad habit. It takes time, awareness, effort – but it can be worth it in the end.
By the end of the session, Marnie is smiling. She’ s relaxed back and looks more comfortable in her own skin.“ I’ d like you to look in the mirror and blow a kiss and smile and yourself in the mornings”, I suggest.
“ It’ s time to be your own best friend. Be good to yourself”.“ Combat your negative self-talk and replace it with something kinder f you can.”
Marnie wrinkles her nose in disgust, but agrees to give it a go. Can’ t say fairer than that.
KNOW YOURSELF, BE YOURSELF, LIKE YOURSELF
I’ m running a‘ 3 hour taster’ workshop in West Hill Hall on Sunday June 22nd( see QR code to book)
Photographer: Lynn Herrick