But
Confessions of a meter reader
“ Hapless , hairy , northerner ” Iain Cochrane finds all human life when he knocks on doors . Sometimes he also finds iguanas , and when he ’ s really lucky , a bearded dragon . And people think reading gas meters is easy
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I have a smart meter !” they say … a lot . The reality is that those evil entities known as energy suppliers don ’ t read their own meters . They outsource all that nonsense to people like me . I literally do not know why a meter needs to read . I just go where they send me and record the numbers . Even smart meters . As I always joke , “ Well I must crack on . These smart meters aren ’ t going to read themselves are they ?” ( ba dumm tish - Ay thang yew , I ’ m here all week )
All human life is behind these closed Brighton doors . When you ring a doorbell , you just don ’ t know what you ’ re letting yourself in for . For instance , in the 15 months I ’ ve been doing the job , eight women have answered the door in nothing but a towel . similarly , six men have responded to a friendly knocking in just their pants . You learn not to react but to suggest a level of modesty before any further action is taken … or not .
Iguanas - 1 Sex shops - 1 Funeral parlours - 3 Bees rescued - 7
Happily , the number of pleasant , helpful homeowners far out-number the unpleasant obstructive ones . And this being Brighton , every third house I enter has a piano in the corner or a guitar hanging from the wall which lends a bit of common interest to break the ice and establish a modicum of trust . One bloke in Woodingdean was even kind enough to let me
01273 945060
fondle his BAFTA ! Oh , and the celebs . Modesty forbids me to divulge who and where . Or possibly it ’ s the current data protection laws .
Bearded dragons - 1 Tarantulas - 3 Corn snakes - 1 Convents - 1
Then there ’ s the occasional personality who defies pigeonholing . Like the wonderful old lady whose short-term memory was itself a memory .
But whose recollection of her childhood remained perfectly intact . The reason for my visit established , she then enthused that I “ Run orf and read my meter and then come back , sit down and tell me all about yourself ”. She began by asking me what my passion was . “ Music ” I said . Clasping her hands together and gazing heavenward , she waxed “ Ahhh , MUSIC ! If music be the food of love …”
She was unable to finish the adage . Instead she asked me , three times in the space of five minutes , how many children I had . But then her story unfolded . She told me about how , as a little girl , she and her family ‘ escaped Poland ’.
You don ’ t meet many like her anymore ( Ukraine situation pending ). What struck me most of all was her passion for life . Amazing , eccentric , lifeaffirming lady .
People who mistake my uniform for that of a traffic warden - 10 per day ( at least )
People who have threatened to “ rip my ( bleep ) head off ” - 1 Rats - 2 ( both dead )
So it ’ s not all about recording numbers . There ’ s
an element of social work too . Although I can ’ t remember specifically how I responded to the six people so far who have told me they ’ re terminally ill . It does somewhat put you on the spot . And I see signs several times a day warning me of an immediate danger of death by electrocution . People think reading gas meters is easy !
Saturday , 30 April 2022
On the upside , I ’ ve dropped a trouser size and the 7 or 8 miles I walk per day has got me feeling almost fit and healthy !
So if a hapless , hairy northerner knocks on your door and asks to read your meter , just let him get on with it . And yes , he ’ d love a cup of tea .
And no , HE ISN ’ T A BLOODY TRAFFIC WARDEN !!!
The Friends of St Nicholas ’
Supporting porting the fabric of the ancient building of St Nicholas ’ Church , Brighton
‘ Celebration of Spring ’ Dinner
7.00 for 7.30 pm St Nicholas ’ Church , Church Street , Brighton BN1 3LJ Tickets £ 35 – 4-course dinner and welcome drink on arrival Cash Bar and Raffle
Enquiries jo . baker11 @ outlook . com 01273 708708 http :// stnicholasbrighton . wixsite . com / thefriends Charity no . 1046054