ing that somehow I could disappear down the sewer like my tears and the water . I heard , “ You lived through it .” When I first heard these words on the night of the most pain and fear I had experienced in my life , I thought God was mocking me , taunting me even . But as I stood in the middle of the street with cars swerving around me , it served as a reminder , a light , a guide , that although these events could have killed me , they didn ’ t . I lived through it . I was on the other side of the tragedy . The worst part had already occurred . So I laughed my way back home , where I found my mom sitting with her friends studying Experiencing God . Interesting , I thought . As they were reading how to experience God , I had just experienced him first hand . My failed suicide attempts were a major sign for me . I did not create myself and so I could not determine when my life was going to end . “ You lived through it ” became my mantra , my motto , and my platform to stand on as a reminder that so many people had died at the hands of their attackers , or even the weight of the tragedy had socially , mentally , emotionally , or spiritually killed so many others . But somehow I lived through it . And because I lived through it , I had to help others live through it .
Being a sexual assault advocate was never something that was on my wish list or to do list , but neither was being a victim of such a crime . I remember so clearly my thoughts , my fears , my pain , so I knew that there must be others that were experiencing the same pain , and I did not want them to have to experience it at all and definitely not alone . Advocacy became my tool to help others to remove their masks . I wanted to help them to recognize their Mistakes , their Assumptions , their Scars , and the Knowledge of their true self . The fact that they were survivors of sexual assault will never change , but how they lived their lives afterwards could change .
For years , I was terrified of men . I despised them , didn ’ t trust them . I vowed never to let another man get close to me again . I felt misunderstood by women , for the few that knew judged , misunderstood or just avoided me altogether . So I hid . I hid the realities of what happened to me and how it affected me . I did not want to live in this big world all alone . But I realized that by hiding it , I was hiding me . No , this tragedy did not define me , but it was a part of me , and it will forever be , but I had to remove the mask and look in the mirror and accept it . Then reflect it .
Reflect its reality to others . Sexual assault is the most underreported crime in the world . That meant , like me , thousands , even millions , of girls , boys , women and men , had been silenced for years . My decision to move from the mask to the mirror was because my silence was growing loud . So I shattered the silence and became a voice through such phenomenal organizations like PAVE ( Promoting Awareness , Victim Empowerment ), GEMS ( Girls Educational Mentoring Services ) and AWAKEN , INC . I raise my voice to erase ignorance of the realities of rape , to educate families and communities , to eradicate the injustices in this world , and most importantly to empower the victims . As I now stand almost 20 years later , from situations that I thought there was no recovery , I have had an opportunity to travel around the country , sharing a message of hope and light to help others know that they can remove their mask and embrace their beautiful reflections in the mirror . I was able to see myself when I received a new perspective on who God is . For I can only see me , when I see Him . I know that there is no such thing as a coincidence and that He made me with purpose , for purpose , and on purpose .
How that purpose is revealed has to sometimes go through tough situations . I look at it like this : every seed must go through dirt to become a flower . So my sexual assault experience was a part of the “ dirt .” Although it was dirty , uncomfortable , and caused pain , there were “ nutrients ” in that experience that helped me to grow and to develop and to blossom . So by removing my mask , I can see the dirt , and where it is and be honest about how it made
( makes ) me feel . At the same time , removing the mask , allows me to see fully in the mirror that I lived through it .
I have taken my mask off . How about you ? Your mirror is waiting .
For more information about PAVE
( Promoting Awareness / Victim Empowerment ) go to www . pavingtheway . net
Jaime Gill is programming coordinator for Weigel Broadcasting . She also is a freelance producer . Ministry and media have always been Jaime ’ s passions . As a Certified Life Coach , Jaime blends her passions to bring innovative and engaging presentations and videos to equip and empower people of all ages . Her book , Lessons For the Little Girl , will be released this spring .
18 The Well Magazine / Spring 2013