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COMMUNITY
June 6, 2017 | The Valley Catholic
Catholic Cemeteries…Father’s grieving the loss of a child…
By Kathy Fanger
The Lord is close to the broken-
hearted. And those crushed in spirit
he saves.
Psalm 34:19
While holding onto Jesus’ promise of
one day being reunited with his child in
heaven, a father feels the loss for what
could have been. He may miss his child,
recalling their goodness and the unique
legacy left to those who remain.
The parent-child bond is one of
the most meaningful relationships a
person will experience. Parents are not
expected to outlive their child and are
rarely prepared for the reality of the
child’s death. The child was given to
them as a gift from God – their lives
never to be the same again.
When any child dies, parents grieve
the loss of possibilities and all of the
hopes and dreams they had for their
child. They grieve the potential that will
never be realized and experiences they
will never share…celebrations, perhaps
graduations and weddings, possibly
grandchildren, even adult friendship.
Gender diff erences in grieving
There is no time-line for grief. And
each individual grieves differently.
Waves of denial, depression, and accep-
tance swing back and forth over time.
Yet when gender is considered, men and
women, fathers and mothers, tend to
grieve in diff erent ways. This also varies
among cultures. While women tend to
cry openly and need to talk with others,
men tend to internalize their emotions.
Fathers are frequently viewed as the
protector of the family and ‘strong.’ Ex-
pressing emotions openly may be con-
sidered a weakness. Working fathers
may immerse themselves at their jobs.
Coworkers tend not to bring up the loss
and ask how they are doing. Men may
also escape to spending hours in the
garage or elsewhere to deal with their
sadness thus removing themselves
from the reminders within the home.
Women tend to focus on the bedroom
and possessions of their child, whereas
men may not put importance in things,
but rather the relationship for what it
could have been, and even idolizing
the child. Men may even distance them-
selves from their surviving children.
Very few fathers will visit the cemetery,
yet mothers often fi nd comfort in doing
so, either alone or with their family.
When men do not give themselves
the permission to openly express their
grief, their health may be seriously
aff ected. They may experience higher
rates of depression, alcohol and sub-
stance abuse, and mental health issues.
Differences in grieving may cause
relationship diffi culties, even divorce,
especially at a time when parents need
each other’s support the most. Talk-
ing openly about their child and how
they are coping with grieving is very
important. Seeking counseling with a
professional, a priest or minister may be
benefi cial. Praying together can bring
strength, comfort and hope.
Suggestions to fathers who grieve…
Talk about your child often using
his/her name. Ask family, friends or
neighbors for help when you need it
to free you to grieve or take time for
yourself. Take time deciding what to
do with your child’s belongings. Think
about how you wish to spend signifi -
cant days: their birthday or anniversary
of their death.
In time, a support group may be
helpful to you, or private counseling.
These may be available to you th rough
your parish, hospital, Hospice, or or-
ganizations such as KARA or Center
for Living with Dying. You may start
a legacy to honor your child, by vol-
unteering, supporting, or creating an
organization, fund or event. The life
and goodness of a child and memories
of the joys and love you shared continue
to live on in you. Take care of yourself,
fi nding activities and people that revi-
talize you. Attending Mass and being
among a caring parish community will
help you as well as your family. Visiting
the cemetery where you have buried
your child will give you a sacred place
and time to work through your grief
and celebrate the time you did have
together.
Source:
“Grieving the Loss of a Child” Healing
Hearts of West New York, 2017
Having Faith During
Diffi cult Times
June 13, 1 p.m. – 3 p.m.
Church of the Transfi guration
4325 Jarvis Avenue, San Jose
Presenter: Monsignor John Sandersfeld
This is a FREE workshop.
Jesus is the way, the truth, and the
life. How has faith helped me during
the diffi cult times in my life, to come
to know my own giftedness and that
of others, and live life more fully in the
joy of the Kingdom?
Caregivers Mass and
Brunch
July 22, 10 a.m. – 12 p.m.
Gate of Heaven Catholic Cemetery
All Saints Chapel
22555 Cristo Rey Drive, Los Altos
Caregivers and the person you care
for, if they are able, are invited to pray
with others and enjoy a complimentary
brunch. Please RSVP by July 14.
For more information, contact (650)
428-3730 or [email protected]