who won’ t leave. I’ m the salesperson who won’ t take no for an answer. Those who know me despise me and they do everything they can to make me go away. That’ s how I know I’ m real.
Q. Some of those same people say that you’ re really not that bad; that you’ re just a big softie and not really as mean as you seem. They say that people can easily tolerate living with you long-term. What do you say to them?
Pain: Look, I’ ve spent my entire career building a hardearned and well-deserved reputation for making people miserable. I take great pride in my work. When I set my sights on someone, I go all in. I decide when, where, and how I will show up, and I decide how long I will stay. I can exert myself like a vice grip completely disrupting one’ s life, or I can be a small annoyance providing a constant reminder of my presence. For some, I am so overpowering that they would rather die than live with me. For others, I am so relentless that they will do anything to get rid of me. Why do you think drug stores have entire aisles of medications and devices dedicated to me? I can assure you it’ s not for my charming smile. Bottom line— I’ m big, I’ m bad, I’ m mean. To anyone who questions my power, I’ m happy to offer a personal demonstration to show exactly what I’ m capable of.
Q. US Marines have a motto that“ pain is just weakness leaving the body.” What is your reaction to such a mindset?
Pain: [ Pain scoffing in response ] Ah, yes.“ Weakness leaving the body.” I love that one. Humans are adorable when they try to rename me. Call me weakness, call me toughness, call me discipline— I do not care. I am still there. And when I decide to stay, slogans do not make me leave.
Q. With all of the news stories we see and hear about weather-related catastrophes, you seem to get your name in the paper regularly as the media and victims describe you as entering their lives emotionally and with anguish. Are you proud of that?
Pain: I was put on this earth to hurt, and I have spent my entire existence inflicting hurt and destroying everything in my path. I’ m a speeding locomotive at times, and other times I’ m a tornado on a precise or a random path of destruction. I am also extremely elastic and adaptive. I can be a fast moving mass of hurricane swath and other times I’ m a stationary front that will suffocate you for days on end. I’ m at my best when I’ m in tsunami mode because there is little or nothing you can do to prepare for or to stop me or to get out my way.
Q. Most people who meet you want nothing to do with you. You, however, seem to prefer long-term relationships with people who despise you. Doesn’ t that make for some really toxic relationships?
Pain: I thrive on bad relationships. Sometimes I’ ll meet someone, quickly realize we’ re not a good match, and I’ ll be on my way. But most of the time, I try to keep the relationship going as long as possible even though the person I’ m seeing is constantly trying to get rid of me. The longer the relationship, the more I’ m hated … and I love it. That’ s what I do and it brings me great satisfaction to be disliked so much.
Q. A“ pain cave” is a term often used in the fitness world to describe either a deep state of mental and physical exhaustion or the actual physical area or location of the training area, such as a garage, a basement, or a warehouse gym. Do you find it offensive that your name is tied to such a negative connotation?
Pain: Quite the opposite, actually. There can never be a more meaningful use of my name than when it’ s tied to suffering and misery.
Q. It’ s been widely reported that you thrive on watching gym fail videos? What’ s your fascination with those?
Pain: What better way is there to watch me in action inflicting myself upon some poor soul? Even better when those videos have bystanders who witness a gym fail and react to my presence being imposed on some knucklehead who doesn’ t know how to exercise or when a piece of exercise equipment is misused or breaks. I cherish those moments of getting to see myself in action. It’ s like watching my own home movies and it never gets old.
Q. I don’ t mean to be crude here at all, Pain, but there’ s a saying out there that goes something like this …” you’ re a pain in the butt” or“ this is a pain in my _ ss.” Does it bother you that so many in society use your name in this context to describe being annoyed or aggravated?
Pain: I knew I’ d made it big when these phrases were invented. Heck, songs have been written about me. The Police wrote“ King of Pain.” Carly Simon wrote,“ Haven’ t Got Time for the Pain.” REM wrote an endearing song about me called“ Everybody Hurts.” Heck, even Culture Club had the audacity to write a song trying to dissuade me from existing called“ Do You Really Want to Hurt Me.” I am not offended. I am flattered. When people use my name to describe every inconvenience, it only proves how deeply I have worked myself into human language. Neck, back, shoulder, heart, soul— sooner or later, they all borrow my name.
Q. Your reputation is one of being overly harsh, and everyone knows you don’ t have many soft spots, but I understand you have teenage kids and you text them frequently? Tell us how do you respond via text when they text you asking for gas or fast-food money?
Pain: My children do not ask me for money. They ask me for inheritance. I tell them to be patient. There will always be another twisted ankle, another ruptured disc, another sleepless night, another life I can rearrange. In my family, business is always good.