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KKKure – An anti-poison that suppresses racist inclination. Also known as the Tolerance Pill, this drug is similar to the Jelly Bean with the nuclear infusion of sunshine. A prescription comes with a 6-month subscription to National Geographic.
Nonetconflix – Allows you to enjoy any Netflix film regardless of who’s not in it, how poorly it did at the box office, whether it even made it to a box office, or whether it’s worth watching at all.
E58G9B41U – This drug brings a subtle euphoria similar to the feeling you get when you receive mail from a friend or relative.
Zitux – The FDA-approved supplement grows temporary pimples for the sake of helping attractive people ward off any unwanted attention. A single dose will break a customer out for up to four hours.
Unizzzz – A docile hallucinogen that invites the subconscious mind to experience dreams with unicorns of all varieties. These mythical creatures come to life while you’re getting the best sleep of your life.
Cigrett – This oily pill is the answer to many people’s intolerance to 2nd hand smoke. It suppresses the smell of cigar and cigarette smoke if taken orally. If taken anally, it suppresses the sound of non-smokers complaining about smoke.
Cheezit – Powerful flavor inducer that convinces your mind that you are tasting cheese regardless of what you put into your mouth. Great with macaroni, nachos, ham sandwiches and baked peperoni pasta sauce dough. Popular with vegans.
SAFEBooster – This is a complimentary enhancer drug that can be taken with any other drug for the purpose of boosting that drug’s effectiveness by a power of 10.
MUte_ – Here is a remedy for the song that you have stuck in your head. Take two doses to destroy any unwanted music lingering in your mind, and three if it’s an 80’s tune.
PxgeSxver – A special memory recaller that reminds you of what page you were last on. Only works with fiction. Must take one pill immediately following your reading session and one 15 minutes before you intend on beginning the next session.
Guarantee’d – A prescription drug that incinerates cancerous cells for 30-minute increments. Not guaranteed to last the full 30 minutes.
LIMp – Over the counter drug that can reduce your random, accidental erection to a flaccid, bloodless flesh-noodle. Great for closeted homophobes on the beach or poolside.
CAGAIN – This tested and failed drug removes dust and small particles from your eye by recalling repressed memories of pets you had when you were a kid.
Corn – A GMO crop that cures hunger.
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Why overthink a solution when you can pop the answer down your throat? Thanks to breakthroughs in medical technology, leading pharmaceutical companies are releasing brand new prescription and over the counter drugs that will help with a variety of ailments and non-medical nuisances. For the complete list visit http://moneybuysall.gov .
TerriX – An anxiety depressant for war enthusiasts and imperialist unrealistically fearing terrorist acts due to media hype and political exaggeration; works for conspiracy paranoia, too.
SpellMate – Intuitively improves upon one’s spelling abilities if taken daily while reading at least one chapter of any book.
Superman – This bullet immunity drug prevents penetration and impact damage from rimfire and centerfire bullets, made small enough to comfortably conceal in the rectum of an African America male minding his own business in a policed community.
Gene Genie – An aging agent that modifies your genes to make you look less like your parents.
Don Diffusor – An alternative to Tylenol and Aspirin, this headache reliever is designed to counter any and all buffoonish rants and claims by the president-elect, Donald Trump, including sexist slander, racial slurs, hypocrisy and out right lies.
Blannnk – An empty capsule for consumers who like to pop pills for the hell of it but hate the side affects. Vivid colors available for preteens looking to show off by pretending they’re drug addicts.
New Meds On the Market