ragon
THE
P RTAL
June 2017
Page 5
Flaming June
Snapdragon on international cricket
I t was
all the fault of a computer malfunction. When I was asked to provide some
notes for those German bishops, a careless slip of my finger must have introduced into my
text an old archived paragraph of unknown origin. I had warned Mgr Lefebvre, the Vicar
General, that I am not very IT-savvy.
I had better explain. The German
Episcopal Conference (known for
short as the Bischop-lischekonferenzg
rossdeutschland) had been invited to
spend a few relaxing days in England
discussing strategies for encouraging
adultery and so on, and the Ordinariate was honoured
by being given a role in their entertainment. I was
tasked with producing some notes on the English
Way of Life. “Tell them all about Cricket”, said the
VG, himself a keen spin bowler. That is how a rogue
paragraph crept in. Here is what it said.
“CRICKET. At each end of the Cricket Ground you
will notice a large white screen. This is designed to
encourage the participation of foreigners. You should
stand in front of one of these screens. All the players
will turn and wave at you. You should wave back.
When you have done this for four or five minutes, the
players will start to walk towards you. As soon as you
see this happening, remove your trousers and turn
round. After a moment or two, some clowns disguised
as policemen will rush towards you. Etiquette
demands that you engage in a mock battle with these
functionaries, especially by giving each one of them a
friendly punch on the nose.”
of Portsmouth, aided by some effective sledging.
(Colour was also contributed by one of the umpires,
an Ordinariate priest wearing a Canterbury Cap, who
said “Qu ack quack” each time he sent a Westminster
batsman off for being Leg Before.)
I shall always regret that I was not actually in the
stands as such when our German guests made their
Cultural Gesture … I think I may have fortified myself
with one or two free drinks at The Tablet’s expense in
the Hospitality Tent and was by then lying reposefully
under one of the tables. The first I heard of the fracas
was when I learned that the Nuncio had needed to
stand bail for quite a large sum of money to get the
Germans out of Pentonville.
We decided to cheer them up by having a little party
to explain our English sense of humour. It did not go
too well. One of the Westminster auxiliaries was trying
to elucidate the phrase “The bowler’s Holding, the
batsman’s Willey” when Cardinal Marx, who seemed
to have got quite seriously bruised in his encounter
with the Metropolitan Police, looked dyspeptically at
his damaged 400,000 Euro watch and growled “Und
Zis is funny?”
Even so, things might have been glossed over but for
The game chosen for the German hierarchs to the Ordinary’s newly appointed Vicar for International
attend was a qualifier for The Tablet Interdiocesan Accord, Fr ffetherstonhaugh-ffawlty.
Cricket Cup. The slack and clumsy batting order of
the Archdiocese of Westminster was being routed by
He was heard to murmur in a not-very-sotto voce
the highly professional pace bowlers of the Diocese “Don’t mention the War”.
Honour your freedom ... continued from page 4
was a standard part of life in half of Europe and all of
what is now Russia and the adjoining republics.
today: we uphold truths that challenge standard ideas
in all sorts of ways: our understanding that marriage
is the lifelong union of one man and one woman, our
So we do well to remember that, and to cherish our commitment to upholding the sanctity of human life
freedom by making good use of it. And one certain including that of unborn babies...and more…
way of doing that is not only to hold our traditional
outdoor processions, carol-singing, and similar
However, we do have the right to celebrate our faith
activities, and not to claim that “we’re all persecuted in public and in private and, making due allowance
today” when we aren’t.
for whatever is sensible, with regard to road traffic and
neighbourliness and general concern for the common
In many ways, it is tough being a Christian in Britain good, we must and shall continue to do just that.