For Starters
Black to black
A Nerd ’ s Last Word by Michael Bosley
I ’ m living in a prison , held captive by a style choice that designers have surreptitiously fed into my life for the past few years and which I am finding hard to escape from . It adorns items in my workplace , it hides in my car and it rears its ugly head in my home ; it is plentiful , it is unwelcome , it is gloss black plastic .
Sometimes I can forget about it and go on living my life , blissfully unaware of its existence until I inadvertently lay a greasy palm on its sheeny surface . Then , all at once I am a slave to this high-maintenance façade , reaching for the nearest microfiber cloth in order to restore its once lustrous brilliance , only to discover that even the slightest touch of the softest material sullies the finish with swirls and small scratches , thus leaving me a broken man in a world full of desirable items I am no longer allowed to touch .
As I sit here now , I have at least three items within my sight that are finished with this ridiculously delicate decor ; my PC monitor , a hard drive and a network storage drive – all finished in gloss black plastic and all depressingly dulled over the months and years by the everyday wear of
A good year in a mad , mad world
Off The Grid with Luke Coleman - Our man in Iraq
Summer ’ s come around quickly and my review of the first half of 2016 is personally positive – although I failed to win a place on Channel 4 ’ s Hunted , likely because I got trolleyed in a whisky tasting session with an old school friend the night before the audition – and significantly shittier when I cast my gaze out over the wider world .
There ’ s the Trump fiasco , so unremittingly hateful that I ’ m starting to hate Americans . The Euro referendum , the result of which is a week away from my time of writing . I think I ’ m broadly pro-Remain , it ’ s what my gut tells me – and that ’ s the fucking problem . Politicians are elected to make the big decisions , and offering something so complex up to a plebiscite is a staggering misstep . Doubtless many of you will think me wrong , but you can do one .
4 www . theocelot . co . uk polishing and touching .
To my dismay , even my new car is swathed in the stuff , accompanied by its partner in crime , shiny chrome , to make every journey about as relaxing as a stroll through a Faberge egg museum with a large rucksack on , waving nun chucks .
“ Don ’ t touch that !” my inner voice nags . “ Your hands better be clean !” it continues .
Delicately , I dab at each switch with my little finger , taking care not to brush the untouchable fascia for fear of having to produce the cloth I keep readily in the glove box for such emergencies .
And despite my every effort , cruel physics dictate that such materials will always be prone to attract dust quicker than a clingy dress on a Kardashian .
A small part of me wilts with dismay when I buy a new product and find it has shiny gloss plastic . It sits there proudly , gleaming and fresh out of the box , so full of hope . But like a child with a tough upbringing ahead of it , I can only lament that within minutes it will be sullied with smears and fingerprints more visible than a freshly dusted crime scene . What was wrong with hardy , beige plastics and faux-wood trim anyway ? Oh , right , yes , it was disgusting .
YallaIraq . com / en ( shameless , but go on ) goes from strength to strength , my tiny English domain in a much larger Arabic and Kurdish project of unity and alternative narrative for the people of Iraq , and those interested in exploring the lighter , funnier , more beautiful side of the country I ’ ve called home for over 5 years now .
I ’ m heading home in a couple of days , via France , and got into a strange conversation with my boss the other day . I mentioned how sometimes I catch myself thinking the problems people have in England a little petty , before I stop being that guy . She replied , “ Oh I understand . Last time I was in New York this couple were discussing which colour to tile their bathroom . I just thought ‘ Why not crimson , as you ’ re likely to murder each other over this debate .’ Is that what you mean ?”
To go all Ron Burgundy : that escalated quickly .