For Starters
Do it or
A Nerd ’ s Last Word by Michael Bosley
Do you like waiting for paint to dry ? How about injuring yourself repeatedly in ever more embarrassing and painful ways ? Do you like waking up in the morning so stiff and riddled with innumerable aches that you feel life just simply isn ’ t worth all the inconvenience and hassle ?
Then unlike me , you ’ re probably a big fan of DIY . Like most of life ’ s supposedly enjoyable pastimes , DIY has passed me by without leaving me with so much as a lingering question like “ Maybe I should try DIY instead of literally anything else in the world I could be doing ?”
DIY is a realm in which I dare not tread . A language is spoken within the hallowed walls of hardware stores and between burly , stout and hairy men that I am not privy to . Whispers of metric and imperial measurements ; of various exotically named and exotically shaped screws and the drivers with which they are driven forthrightly into the rustic material they have been specifically designed to be planted into . Wood , concrete , steel , plaster and brick . All are a science within themselves , with their own specific treatments , tools and methods for handling .
Break from these ancient teachings at your own peril , as the soothsayers of hardware are brutal with their punishments as the wrong brush , a cheap spirit level or a worn out sander can leave you with the most crooked of
A good year in a mad , mad world
Off The Grid with Luke Coleman - Our man in Iraq
I write this column a couple weeks prior to publication , and I try to keep it evergreen so that we ’ re not being sucked backwards into some temporal quicksand .
But recent events necessitate a glance backwards . A madman has mown down innocents , and all the while the spectre of wilfully misunderstood Islam waits in the shadows , as would-be presidents and shit-for-brains like Britain First ’ s gruesome twosome Paul Golding and Jayda Fransen hunch over their keyboards , unsure whether to pleasure themselves into a racist lather before or after tapping out hyperbolic bollocks . Let ’ s be clear about Mohamed Lahouaiej-Bouhlel ,
4 www . theocelot . co . uk gables , a lilting lintel or a totally shit shed .
Those like myself who are not blessed with the tradesman ’ s tongue are forced to describe our requirements to bemused staff with a series of humiliating hand actions and vague descriptions , often appended with the word “ thingy ”.
And it is not just within the exclusive circle of the DIY fraternity that our abilities are so easily cast into doubt . Within our own homes we are undermined by those who should trust us the most ;
“ Are you sure you know what you ’ re doing ?” come the concerned voices of our spouses , hovering somewhere nearby .
“ Of course , I ’ ve done it a million times !” come the replies , if only to dispel the worried onlookers , knowing full well that you are completely and utterly out of your depth and past the point of no return .
Then comes the self-doubt : “ You work in marketing !” cries your inner voice “ What the hell are you doing up a ladder ?”
Maybe you should ’ ve got a professional in . Maybe you should ’ ve called the number of a reliable tradesperson , your manhood in tatters , begging him to use his superior knowledge of manly things to make everything right again . Then maybe you should strip naked , throw yourself into a strong flowing river and let it carry you out to the ocean , where DIY will never find you .
the perpetrator of the Nice outrage . He drank alcohol regularly . He ate pork . He did not attend mosque . He suffered from depression . ISIS , although it has , can no more claim this attack was committed in the name of its twisted ideology than the Germanwings mass murder in March last year .
What ISIS has done , is to release an evil genie from the bottle , and with each atrocity , suicidal malcontents take license to murder on a previously unimaginable scale . And yet it feels as if dialogue , a search for answers , is not happening . Trump and Gingrich , PEGIDA and the EDL , spread messages of intolerance , spew bilious , inflammatory rhetoric onto sparks of mistrust - the fire blanket is dialogue between communities to halt the ignorance which deepens segregation .